Monday, October 26, 2015

Pheaturing Noah Hoffeld

Hi there, welcome to another entry of the Phile. How have you been? There was no Phile yesterday so I got a jammed Philde today. Let's get started. Here's to Lamar Odom on being the first guy in history to have coke and hookers save his marriage.  It's October and as you know it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. So... please get a breast exam and please call me if you need a second opinion. Speaking of cancer... those jerks over at the World Health Organization just announced bacon causes cancer. Lower that BLT from your greasy lips and take a seat. The news you've been trying to deny is true. Eating as little as two slices of bacon per day increases your risk of colorectal cancer by 18%, according to the World Health Organization. If your response to that news is "How bad is colorectal cancer anyway?" then you might have a problem. Processed meats are meats that have been smoked or cured with salt and other preservatives, including "bacon, sausages, hot dogs, salami, corned beef, beef jerky and ham as well as canned meat and meat-based sauces." But researchers say pork, beef, and lamb that are unprocessed still "probably" cause cancer, which caused a stampede of people signing up to be part of the study that finds out for sure. One possible upside to finding out bacon is scary: new Halloween costume idea?  The practical joke that is the Trump campaign continues to add punchlines. Humble millionaire Donald Trump, in all his humility, explained to Matt Lauer on the "Today" show how he relates to the hardships of the American people, a country all about making something out of nothing and pulling oneself up by the bootstraps. “It’s not been easy for me,” Trump said, “I started off in Brooklyn, my father gave me a small loan of $1 million." Take a second to absorb that: "Not easy." "Small loan." Points to Trump for relating to millennials by mentioning how he started off in Brooklyn with daddy's money, but come on. Lauer finally called him out on how a MILLION DOLLARS will not read as small to a lot (read: most) people, but Trump quickly defended himself by saying, "A million dollars is nothing compared to what I've built."  It's been more than two years since "Blurred Lines" was the ubiquitous song of the summer, but Robin Thicke is still acting hardcore Robin Thicke. He and co-writer/performer/dancer-among-naked-women Pharrell Williams were sued and found guilty of copying elements from Marvin Gaye's "Got To Give It Up" in their song. KABC has released new deposition videos from the copyright infringement trial, and though there aren't masterpieces on the level of Bieber's deposition videos, there are some interesting moments. When asked if he was drunk or on Vicodin during a particular interview from 2013, Thicke answered, "I didn't do a single interview last year without being high on both."  He was just trying to make things efficient by offering an answer to any follow-up questions about when he was or wasn't drunk or high. Pharrell's slow-moving interview consists of a lot of bickering over specifics about music notes and chords. However, the most notable element of both interviews is the evocatively pouty faces made by both defendants. Pharrell glumly rested his head in both of his hands. If you had a huge hit song and then had to give $5.4 million to a dead guy, you'd probably get all angsty too.  Who can blame Chris Christie for being stressed? The former presumptive Republican presidential candidate is now polling at a dismal 3%. But although we're used to him lashing out, there are some spaces too sacred for even him to violate. Chief among them is the Amtrak quiet car. Sources report that Christie boarded an Amtrak train from D.C. to New Jersey on Sunday morning with two security men, already chewing them out for mixing up his seating arrangements. Holding a McDonald's smoothie, the governor took his seat just before the train pulled out, and immediately began making phone calls. The calls may very well have related to his presidential campaign, because a witness claims he kept repeating the phrases "this is frickin' ridiculous" and "Seriously? Seriously?" After a few minutes and a number of passenger complaints, a conductor came to remind Christie that he was in the quiet car. To his credit, he seemed to have no idea, and quickly moved to another car where he could be as loud as he wanted to (which is plenty). He only stopped long enough to berate his security for seating him in the quiet car. His spokeswoman Samantha Smith later issued this statement, "On a very full train this morning, the Governor accidentally took a seat in Amtrak’s notorious quiet car. After breaking the cardinal rule of the quiet car, the Governor promptly left once he realized the serious nature of his mistake and enjoyed the rest of his time on the train from the cafe car." Sincere apologies to all the patrons of the quiet car that were offended. Will Quiet Cargate tarnish his legacy as much as Bridgegate? No, but he's finished anyway.  I love this story... it's truly the cherry on top of a bad Monday sundae. It comes to us from a galaxy far, far away, AKA Ukraine. On Sunday, a man dressed as Chewbacca from Star Wars was arrested for campaigning for a candidate running for mayor of Odessa. That candidate's legal name? Darth Vader. Here's a pic of the arrest, showing how many human cops it takes to subdue the mighty strength of a Wookiee...

Despite how weird this story is, the reason Chewie was arrested is surprisingly pedestrian. Apparently there's a law in Ukraine against campaigning for a political candidate on Election Day. Is that worth going to jail for? If you're a big enough Star Wars fan, absolutely. Chewie was taken to court, where he was fined the equivalent of $7.50 (converted from Ukrainian hyrvinias/Galactic credits). However, he claimed that his bank has no branches on this planet, which may put him in trouble. That and the fact that he wouldn't take off his costume in court.

It's all worth it for that photo. It's great to see democracy blooming in Ukraine. Next step, the galaxy. Speaking of Star Wars... did you watch that new trailer during the Giants game last Monday? Of course I did a number of times. One scene I thought was kinda odd was this one...

And everybody thought he was gonna be a good guy. Haha.  I never had a flu shot... I don't want the flu so why get a shot to get one? Anyway, I might go to Walgreens to get one...

Have you ever noticed everything this year is pumpkin spice flavored? I mean everything...

Jeez, people.  So, one thing I like to do in my spare time is to go on Twitter and look up certain words... one of those words I look up is 'Foghat.' This is a tweet I recently saw...

Wait. It's not? Haha.  It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month and this is the last October entry for year. I have been showing you some clever breast cancer awareness ads. Here's the last one I have to show you...

It's hard to read but you get the idea. And now, from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is this week's...

Top Phive Fallouts From New Claims That Processed Meats Cause Cancer
5. The FBI has added Jimmy Dean to its Ten Most Wanted List.
4. Upon request, Applebee's will remove one of the 19 strips of bacon from its Triple Bacon Burger.
3. Oscar Meyer executives have convened an emergency meeting in the Baloney Room.
2. Some Americans are having serious second thoughts about their morning kielbasa break.
And the number one fallout from the claim about processed meat causing cancer is...
1. Incredibly, vegetarians have become even MORE smug and condescending.

Maureen O'Hara 
August 17th, 1920 — October 24th, 2015
The last thing she did was a TV movie in 2000 called "The Last Dance." That works for me.

Ha! That's an easy one. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. If you don't spot it there's something wrong with you. So, my son Logan is visiting from Pennsylvania which has me thinking while he is playing violent video games... we used to sit and watch "Sesame Street" together. Unfortunately, he's too old for it now. Or is he? Here's a new pheatire called...

While trying to photograph his dessert Ernie realize his house might be haunted. That's so stupid. Ugh. Moving on... Jeff?

Me: Hey, there, Jeff, how are you?

Jeff: Good afternoon, Jason. I'm doing well. Just prepping the last pieces of my book before it's released this coming Thursday. If I may, cheap plugs please? You can get the first in the series for free until Wednesday on Amazon. While you're at it, pick up Phile Alumni Jeremy Croston's book "The Cactus Killer" for free until then as well. Okay, cheap plugs are over.

Me: Great. I'll have you both on the Phile again talking about your books soon. So, did you watch the Giants have? It was a freaking horrible game but at least the half-time show was good. What did you think of the trailer? How many times did you watch it?

Jeff: That was a terrible game for you indeed. I have seen the trailer probably about ten times now I think. It looks incredible. I'm curious why we have only heard Luke, but not seen him yet. I mean he's not even on the poster or anything!

Me: True. He's probably only in it for a minute. Any other NFL news worth talking about?

Jeff: There's not a lot going on in football right now. Some good games this week that went right down to the last seconds of the clock. And really that's all you can ask for, right? Arian Foster, running back for the Texans tore his ACL and will miss the rest of the season. No other injuries this week and we are looking at some players who could return as early as next week. So I will be keeping my eye on that!

Me: Okay, how did we do last week? Am I still winning?

Jeff: Well, there is good news and there's bad news. The good news (at least for you) is that you're still in the lead. The bad news is we went a combined 0-4 this past week. I mean I guess it's dirty tactics for me to not tell you that when you picked the Jets this week, you were picking against New England. But I was unable to pick up any ground on you this week. One of the teams I picked won, but not by the spread. So yeah, we both went 0-2. But the Giants beat Dallas and the Steelers lost so your lead grows. You are now officially up by 4 points on me.

Me: Fantastic! Let's do this weeks picks... I say Chiefs by 4 and Falcons by 8. What do you say?

Jeff: My picks for next week are Arizona by 3 and Jets by 3 as well.

Me: Alright, Jeff, see ya here next week.

Jeff: Talk to you next week!

Pumpkin Spice Latte
A pumpkin spice latte is the only thing white girls can even.

The 40th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

The author, Gary Gerani, will be a guest on the Phile a week from today. Okay, so, a week ago or so I pheatured a new pheature called The Phile Sez Make a Change... Or Else. It was pretty successful, and someone else wanted to come on and mention their cause. So, once again, the Phile is here to help with...

Please welcome to the Phile... Rep. Marsha Blackburn.

Any fan of a popular band has likely fallen victim to a scalper bot... a computer program that ticket scalpers use to buy tickets faster than actual humans can. It’s estimated that 60% of tickets are purchased by bots! Scalpers then sell those tickets online for ridiculous prices. These bots are often the reason that the tickets you tried to buy instantly sold out but if you went to a secondary ticket site you’d find plenty of them available... being sold at 100-500% above the original price. That $75 ticket is now $150-$375+ (plus the service charges). Because there’s no federal law to stop these bots, many people just fork up the extra cash or completely give up. This is a broken system. Fortunately, we can change this. After thousands of Paul McCartney and Rolling Stones tickets in New York were bought up by scalper bots and resold for absurd prices (like $8,000!), Sen. Charles Schumer and myself, Rep. Marsha Blackburn are working to pass The Better Online Ticket Sales Act, legislation that would prohibit the use of bots and make selling any ticket knowingly purchased by a bot punishable with a fine of $1,000 per ticket. As live music fans, this bill is common sense to us. Please sign our petition asking Congress to make the use of scalper bots illegal so that we all have a fair chance to see the concerts we want! Go to for more info.

That is a cool thing to try and stop. Okay, today's pheatured guest is a rock cello player whose CD "Play Human" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Noah Hoffeld.

Me: Noah, what's up? Welcome to the Phile, man, how are you?

Noah: I'm doin' good thanks, Jason! Great to be here.

Me: You are a rocking cellist, I have to say. How did you first start to play the cello?

Noah: Thanks a lot, man. I first started when I was about nine. One day, mom took me to her violin lesson in a small community of music teachers. That's where I saw the cello for the first time. When I heard another kid playing it, I was like, "I gotta have that! That's mine." Kinda like a kid seeing that Chewbacca action figure for the first time. Ha! Not that different at all.

Me: Last December I had another cellist on the Phile named Lindsay Mac. Have you heard of her? 

Noah: No, dunno her. There's a lot of us out there! Look out! We're taking over the world.

Me: Do you have a favorite cellist?

Noah: Pablo Casals is the one who made the biggest impression on me and shaped the way I think of music forever. Of course there are many great players out there, but he's the stand out for me.

Me: Your music is labeled as cello rock. I take it you grew up listening to classic rock opposed to just classical music?

Noah: Yeah, I listened to a lot of stuff growing up... everything from classical to roots reggae and experimental jazz.

Me: What bands did you listen to growing up? Any Foghat?

Noah: I was really into Prince, The Police, Bowie, Bob Marley, The Beatles, AC/DC. All kinds of stuff. I heard Foghat later on and really dug it.

Me: You have been compared to Bowie, Lennon and Lou Reed... those are high comparisons, Noah. Are you fans of those musicians?

Noah: Yes, I'm a big fan of all those guys and they shaped me and made me into the musician I am today. Without their music and their attitude, a lot of us wouldn't be doing what we're doing right now! I think their influence on society and culture at large is largely underestimated. It's not just politicians who shape the world as we know it!

Me: Your album "Play Human" was co-produced by someone who worked with Bowie, am I right? Did he have any good stories for you?

Noah: Actually I produced the album on my lonesome. Mark Plati, longtime music director and producer for Bowie, mixed the hell out of it. He totally blew me away. I was blown away to just be in the same room, looking at his great photos of him and Bowie together. I don't remember any stories per se but that feeling stays with me, big time.

Me: Did you get any shit plying cello in a rock setting, Noah?

Noah: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Me: Never mind. Do you play any other instruments as well?

Noah: Yes! I play keyboards, guitar and bass on the album. Plus doing programming and stuff like that.

Me: Most of the musicians I interviewed here went to Berklee but you went to Juilliard. How did you choose that school?

Noah: I chose Juilliard because of its reputation as one of the great conservatories in America. It was strictly classical. I needed to go somewhere to beef up my skills as a cellist. Places like Berklee weren't really on my map at the time.

Me: What's the biggest difference between both schools? 

Noah: Berklee focuses on pop, rock and jazz. Juilliard has a classical focus and now a new jazz department.

Me: What did you study at Juilliard?

Noah: I majored in Classical Performance. I have a BM! HAHAHA.  A Bachelor of Music!

Me: Noah, where are you from?

Noah: I'm from Brooklyn, NY.

Me: I thought so. Do you still live in the New York area?

Noah: Yeah, I'm back living in Brooklyn again. I love it here.

Me: Okay, let's talk about the album "Play Human." Where did that title come from?

Noah: It comes from the first track on the album. The lyrics are "why don't we all play human for a change? Lovin' each other shouldn't be out of range." So theres that, but I also like the angle of looking at a play human like a doll of sorts. Maybe we're all dolls being played with by some force we really don't understand.

Me: Did you write all the songs on the album?

Noah: Yeah, I did!

Me: Is this your first album, Noah?

Noah: Well, I released an EP a while back when I was just getting into songwriting. I did it just for fun but was actually pleasantly surprised by how the songs came out. I still listen to it!

Me: So, what came first, lyrics or music?

Noah: It depends on the song. "Stop Slow Down" for example (which I made a video for) was a lyrics first kind of experience. I actually had an experience of receiving the words completely intact, almost like a channeling experience. Then there are others like "Play Human" where I got the idea for the riff first and then constructed the lyrics around it.

Me: Is that you as a kid on the album cover?

Noah: Nah. That's a friend's kids. Great shot, no?

Me: Yeah, it's cool. You have written music for a few films, am I right? One of those films is The Skeleton Twins. I have to say, with Bill Hader and Kristin Wiig, two funny people, when I saw this movie I thought it was gonna be a comedy. I was wrong. It was a depressing movie! Did you get to read the script or see the movie when you wrote the music for it?

Noah: Haha! Actually although I do write film scores, I just played cello on that one. Depressing? Yeah! But funny too... like that scene in the dentist's office! Hader and Wiig just go off in a hilarious "SNL" sort of way!!!

Me: What movies have you written for?

Noah: I've written stuff for commercials and I'm now writing scores for 2 indie features in progress. I'll keep you posted!

Me: One of your songs "One Family" was written for Martin Luther King Day this year. How did that come about and are you a fan of his?

Noah: Yes, MLK is a person who has influenced me tremendously. He's one of those people who've done huge amounts to bring hope to the planet. It was interesting with that song cause as MLK Day 2015 was approaching I started getting the melody in my head. I tried to make it go away but it wouldn't budge!! So finally I figured I'd better sit down and wrangle with it. It turned out that it had a message attached to it... We won't give up on Civil Rights. "We've marched way too long for all the things we've won" is the lyric. The whole song and recording, including a music video with historic footage of King, came out all in one weekend! I was really blown away. And tired!

Me: That song received a lot of hits and feed back, am I right?

Noah: Yeah, that's true! Over 100 strangers shared that post on Facebook right away. It was kind of intense and made me feel the song must really touch something with people. I hope it circulates more and brings some good to people.

Me: That song should of been in the movie Selma. Do you wish it was?

Noah: I agree! Man, I would wish it would find a home like that. Selma was an amazing movie... the writing, the performances. Woah!!!

Me: There's two stories I have to ask you about... one is that you were in a photo spread with Iman, the super model. How did that come about? That's another Bowie connection for you.

Noah: I think my mom has that photo in the vault! It came about when I was practicing cello in this amazing mansion I had the privilege of working in. "W Magazine" came along one day and said, "We're doin' a shoot here. Would you like to join?" I said of course! And yeah I hadn't thought about that Bowie connection. They're married of course! I had another Bowie experience at the Tribeca Ball one year. It was a fundraiser for something and Bowie was the special guest or MC. They paid me to destroy a cello on stage. OOHH one of my worst memories! Never again, no matter how much you pay me.

Me: How was Iman, Noah? I looked all over the freaking Internet for that photo by the way.

Noah: Iman was really sweet and kind to me.

Me: The other story is you taught James Taylor to play the cello? When and how did this happen? Was it just a one off class so to speak?

Noah: I taught James for a while when I was younger. I met his wife and when she learned I was a cellist, she hired me to help pick out a cello for James as a birthday gift and to give him some lessons. He'd studied as a kid!

Me: So, what's next for you? A tour or new music? 

Noah: I'm off to Europe next week to play some shows! Very psyched about that. I think when I get back I'll start getting into some new songwriting, maybe hide away in the woods for a couple of weeks and get the creativity flowing...

Me: Noah, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Go ahead and mention your website and please come back sometime. Good luck.

Noah: Thanks so much, Jason! Come find and follow me at or at Cheers!

Whew! Holy shit, that was a long ass entry. Thanks to Jeff Trelewicz, Rep. Marsha Blakcburn and of course Noah Hoffeld. Ha. I think I called him Hoffeid in the last entry. The Phile will be back next Sunday with the kids from Late Nite Cable. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Monday, October 19, 2015

Pheaturing Phile Alum Lee Negin

Hey, kids, good morning and welcome to another entry of the Phile. It's October as I hope you know and it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I just want to remind you to have someone besides everyone on Facebook examine your breasts.  Did you hear about the new Star Wars movie? You know, Star Wars: The Force Awakens? Of course you have, you're a responsible citizen of the Internet and the planet. But did you know that there actually wasn't a poster for it before yesterday? Crazy, right? Well, that glaring omission has been corrected now with this glorious piece of color-theory-filled movie art. Here it is...

Just kidding. Hahahaha. Here is the real one.

Can you spot the real star of this poster? It should be deathly obvious once you find it. Apparently, the few Imperials who survived apparently think they've figured out how to close all the exhaust ports on the Death Star. Either that, or the giant-laser-like thing on the new battle station's side is actually just an engine for flying the eff away from Jedis and living in peace in another galaxy. Which is how they found Earth. Mindsplosion.  Man, people are upset the biggest elephant in Africa was killed because some guy thought that would be fun. How is big game hunting by rich white dudes vacationing in Zimbabwe still a thing after Cecil the Lion? "The Daily Mail" reports that a German hunter flew to Zimbabwe earlier this month and paid $60,000 for a permit to hunt the largest elephant seen on the continent in 50 years. It was part of a 21 day hunting trip/murder spree. The elephant's tusks were so big that they dragged on the ground, and weighed 122 lbs each. After killing the creature, the hunter proceeded to take super douchey victory photos. And the Cecil-esque outcry is on.  Are you people excited for Halloween? I don't really lie Halloween, but nobody hates Halloween as much as this man who lit kids' costumes on fire at a Walmart. Okay, so authorities aren't actually sure yet why a 40 year old man at a Walmart in San Leandro, California doused children's costumes with lighter fluid and set them ablaze. But it can't be because he loved Halloween, right? "I loved it so much, I set fire to it" is a phrase that makes no sense unless you're talking about a really great candle or you're performing a Viking funeral. According to police, the man had been walking around the store with the lighter fluid for "several hours" before actually setting fire to the costumes. The suspect has been treated for smoke inhalation and detained, and they're looking into whether he might be responsible for other crimes in the area. The Walmart, meanwhile, was evacuated and closed for four hours to deal with excessive smoke from the fire, which also spread to the Halloween candy. I had no idea that candy can be flammable. You learn something new to be afraid of every day! One interviewee at the Walmart summed the whole thing up pretty accurately with this statement: "It is scary. It is. It's ridiculous too, at the same time."  Two Wendy's employees were fired for leaving a racist note in a 7 year old's kids meal. A 7 year old found a racist note in her Wendy's kids meal, and on a much lesser note, they didn't even give her a toy. ManĂ­ge Osowski of Arvada, Colorado took her daughter to a local Wendy's, where she ordered a kids meal. Instead of getting a Wendy's Tag game, she got a deck of cards. Written in black ink on the ace of hearts was "the N word as well as other derogatory sayings." Osowski went back and told the manager, who told the employees to "stop playing games." The manager then ripped up the card, and when Osowski asked for it back, he refused. Osowski refused to leave without the card, so the manger "called the police and had her removed from the store," which was probably not the best move. Osowski organized a protest outside the restaurant on Tuesday. Wendy's was quick to apologize and fire the employees. Wendy’s Spokesperson Bob Bertini said in a statement to ABC News. “We investigated and responded swiftly, and the two employees who were involved are no longer with Wendy’s." Osowski doesn't think it's enough, though; she said that she doesn't accept their apology. #nojusticenofrosties. Haha.  I love this next story... an eleven year old Rebecca DePietro drew a stick figure drawing of a burglary suspect for police that resulted in a successful arrest. She made the drawing for the Stratford police after they asked her family if they had seen anyone suspicious following a string of neighborhood robberies. Rebecca had, and while she thought they might not take her attempt seriously, they used it to capture the suspect who then confessed to ten burglaries in the area. "I was like, yeah I can draw a picture of him. It wasn’t like the best picture, it was just a head and some legs and I thought oh he’s probably just going to crumple it up and throw it out." They police did not throw it out. Instead, they superimposed her picture over mug shots of potential suspects, and found a match. Stratford Police Chief Patrick Ridehour praised Rebecca's work and hinted at a possible future in law enforcement.
"For us to take that sketch and match it up, it was remarkable. Maybe she’s part of our next generation of detectives."

He's not smiling anymore. Haha. The only way it could have been a more perfect arrest from a stick figure drawing is if the suspect was nabbed outside a house with a disproportionately huge chimney under a giant smiling sun. As a result of her assistance, Rebecca was honored at a ceremony along with other Stratford police officers for distinguished service. She has taken the neighborhood watch to the next level.  Alright, so on a few days on the 21st it is Back to the Future Day. That's the day that Marty McFly landed in the future in the second movie. I was watching the movie the other day and I don't know how they did it, but they got some face right. Check it out...

Freaking amazing, right?  A Phile reader went to a mall the other day and saw something he thought was kinda disturbing and I think so too.

I bet the food is good though.  So, do you kids know who Norman Rockwell is? He was a famous painter... my mum loved his work. Anyway, I noticed something about one of his famous paintings that I never noticed before.

Haha. Before you people email me to complain, I know that's not a Norman Rockwell painting.  Alright, it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I am showing you some clever breast cancer awareness posters. Here's another one...

A store in Brazil stocked these bras for customers to discover among their regular products. Okay, so it's fall and I thought it'll be cool if I showed you some snack hacks I discovered in a pheature I call...

This DIY popcorn container.

Your hood will smell nice and buttery afterwards.

Haha. This is a pretty easy one. Okay, it's Monday and time to talk football with my good friend Jeff in a pheature called...

Me: Hey there, Jeff, welcome back. How're you doing?

Jeff: I'm doing well, how's it going over there, Jason? And welcome to week 7.

Me: Things are okay I guess. Okay, so, I have to ask, did you hear about the Giant who had his foot removed? What the hell? At least he didn't burn it off with a firecracker.

Jeff: Yeah, I heard about the player who had part of his foot removed. I think the Giants are trying to build another football player Dr. Frankenstein style. A foot here, a finger there. But yeah, I agree. At least this time it wasn't an idiotic move like you said with firecrackers.

Me: Alright, what's the NFL news this week?

Jeff: There really wasn't any big news out of NFL this week. With the exception of the Falcons, the teams that were undefeated coming into the week are still that. Undefeated. We saw two overtime games last week. The Steelers found a way to win as they were down to their third string QB. Peyton Manning has more interceptions than touchdowns yet somehow the Denver Broncos are 6-0. Other 6-0 teams include New England, Cincinnati, Green Bay and Carolina. This coming week we have the first game played from London that will only be broadcast on the Internet. So I guess that's news, right?

Me: Sure. Jeff, wanna hear the biggest news in the NFL? During tonight's Giants game they are gonna show a new Star Wars trailer! Star Wars and the Giants?! How fucking cool is that?!

Jeff: I am very excited to see the final trailer for The Force Awakens during the Giants/Eagles game. I mean it combines two of my big passions, football and Star Wars. And there are rumors that a wrestler appears in the movie, so yeah. I'm all set!

Me: Last week I was winning by 7 points. Lucky number seven. How did we do last week?

Jeff: Well, as far as the 7 point lead, you still lead. However I didn't add up everything properly last week. The Steelers thanks to a win on last Monday Night (which was too late for the Phile) gave me another point. You have 8 wins this season to my six wins. We won't have an official point total until next week since the Giants play on Monday Night this week.

Me: Yeah, and I picked Tampa last week and they had a bye week. I am an idiot. Let's pick this week... I say Bills by 1 and Jets by 6. What do you pick?

Jeff: My picks this week are Falcons by 7 and San Diego by 3 points. Good luck!

Me: Okay, I'll see you here next week.

Jeff: Talk to you next week!

Autumn is the nickname Yale literature professors gave to the season of fall.

The 40th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

The author Gary Gerani will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Today's pheatured guest is a Phile Alum whose latest CD "Surfing Samsara" is available on iTunes. Please welcome back to the Phile the always entertaining... Lee Negin!

Me: Leeeeeee! Welcome back to the Phile, man. How have you been?

Lee: Jaaaaaason! Thank you. Nice to be anywhere. I'm still breathing (when I remember to).

Me: I lost count how many times you have been a guest here. Do you know?

Lee: Not enough! It's always a pleasure, my friend.

Me: So, how's South Korea treating you? 

Lee: Much better since I left. I split Kimchi Land in February, and now live in Tokyo. Back in Japan after a 10 year absence.

Me: Oh, wow, I didn't know you left. You and I are going through something very similar... how are you doing with it?

Lee: Are you referring to the acid (LSD) flashbacks, or the cognitive dissonance? I'm controlling both with prescribed medications, so no worries!

Me: That's not what I was referring too. Haha. Moving on... Recently I interviewed a guy named Laszlo Gardony and I said he was the first professor I interviewed... but that's bullshit and wrong. You are a a professor. So, I have to apologize. Remind myself and my readers what you teach and where.

Lee: I teach nothing of consequence at various establishments built to perpetuate our dysfunctional paradigm (if you can dig that).

Me: How long have you been doing that, Lee?

Lee: You mean spewing nonsense like my last answer? Since before I was born.

Me: I was meant have you here earlier this year when your "Terminus-EP" came out. That's a four song EP, right?

Lee: Indeed. 4 extended tracks. 

Me: What was the story behind that project, Lee? I know there is one.

Lee: Last December, I knew that I was splitting for Japan, and that involved packing up my studio and instruments and shipping them (literally... by sea), so I knew I wouldn't be able to make my noise for a while. I had been working on/experimenting with different ways of treating sounds with various effects, less 'musical' (as in harmonic structure) and more focus on the vibrational aspects... and how they (different frequencies and harmonics) affect the listener (viscerally, not just intellectual-masturbatory exercises like so much of what's classified as 'experimental' 'avant-garde' music). "Terminus" refers to 'the end of the line' and also a place where people move-on from (as in an airport 'terminal'... but in this case, a space station!

Me: See. I knew there was a story. You have a new CD out called "Surfing Samsosa." What is a samsosa?

Lee: I think Sammy Sosa was a baseball dude. And, a samosa is one of my favourite Indian foods! The album's title is "Surfing Samsara." Samsara is a Sanskrit word, which means 'the material world,' a Hindu concept of the nature of things.

Me: I'm an idiot. At least I got the name right at your intro. Do you surf? I have never surfed... unless you count on-line surfing.

Lee: A great Yogi said, "If you can't stop the waves, learn how to surf." It beats drowning! At times, I hang ten!

Me: This CD features eleven songs that were previously released on your past projects, am I right? 

Lee: Got me! Yeah... I'm repeating myself. Somewhat abashed...

Me: How did you go about picking songs to put on this album, Lee?

Lee: I get a fair bit of radio airplay internationally, and these are the tracks that are most popular (and streamed and downloaded) from my most recent albums. As you know, 'singles' are the rage now; the album, as a cohesive art form, is all but dead.

Me: So, would you call this a greatest hits CD?

Lee: You must be mistaking me for Lady Madonna Beaver. The only 'hits' I've had are on a pipe, a bottle or at the end of a fist (physically and metaphorically).

Me: I am glad there's two Cheeze songs on the album. I still think there should be a Cheeze movie. Tell the readers who don't know who Cheeze is.

Lee: A movie would be way cool. Perhaps it will materialise! I've thought about doing a graphic novel, along the lines of the cooler Japanese manga comics. Sigh... The legend of Cheeze looms large in the universal psyche; the collective unconscious. If people want to know about Cheeze, there are tomes and scrolls to be found in monasteries, opium dens, the Playboy Mansion, small tablets (dig that word play), deep meditation and Himalayan peaks. For example:,, Turn on, tune in and Cheeze out!

Me: You play many instruments, Lee. Which one is your favorite to play?

Lee: I enjoy tinkering with medical instruments the most. Although, in a pinch, plumbing fixtures come in handy!

Me: Ha! What was the first instrument you ever learnt?

Lee: The didgeridoo. I was raised by a pack of feral poodles in a rough, posh suburb. You know, the hood. After that, I started playing trumpet at about 7 years old (formal lessons) and studying musical theory, etc.

Me: Your music is very techno-based, but ever think of doing an acoustic album?

Lee: I do blend the two... electro-acoustic music. I play flugelhorn on several of my tracks, as well as acoustic drums. But, because of budgetary constraints, I mostly use samples of acoustic instruments. If I had the budget, I'd go into a large studio with an orchestra... I write and play (samples) string and horn arrangements on several of my pieces. One of my heroes is George Martin (a good example would be "Eleanor Rigby"). Another is Jack Nitzsche; listen to Buffalo Springfield's track, "Expecting To Fly." Sublime music!! I also incorporate, along with my synthesiser arsenal, acoustic instruments from all over the universe in my work (samples, sorry to say). The title of my main website is Neo-Psychedelic, New World Music.

Me: So, are you currently writing new music?

Lee: I will be starting work on a new single soon, inspired by a dear friend of mine, a British artist who made a painting with me in it! A total surprise gift. It kind of reminded me of the cover of The Beatle's "Sgt. Pepper" (you'll understand when it's released) and it inspired me to do a single with the painting as the cover. He went for the idea, and he had to do a bit of tweaking... it showed ladies naughty bits and my record distribution company wouldn't go for that. The slightest site of a nipple or vagina sends Amerikans into a puritanical frenzy of witch burning... does that mean their god wears a thong? If she created us in her own image, then what's with this obsession? Mostly, I am focusing on gearing up for an international tour next year... learning new software and hardware. It ain't like the old days, when I never read manuals (for my old Minimoog, ARP 2600, Roland TR-808, Linn Drum, etc.). This new gear is way deep (too deep, actually).

Me: You're planning a concert tour? How are you gonna do that?

Lee: Honestly, I don't know. It will supposedly be a solo performance with very cool visuals. An audio-visual equivalent of an LSD/Magic Mushroom experience (of course, I tried them, but I didn't inhale). I am working on the details and logistics as we speak. It's driving me madder than mad!

Me: Are you gonna have dancers on stage with you?

Lee: Are you offering??!! Again, me thinks you're confusing me with Taylor Gaga, or Cher! Maybe if I end up in Vegas at the Boom Boom Lounge and Brothel. I'm quite popular there, so Madam Kiki tells me.

Me: What about a band? Will you be touring with a band?

Lee: Nah... against my principles! Don't want to share the groupies!

Me: Where is the tour gonna go to?

Lee: Probably straight to hell in a hand basket (what the hell is a hand basket??). I hope to tour Europe (London, Paris, Berlin, Lisbon, Amsterdam... not sure yet) and perhaps do some Asian cities (Tokyo, Delhi, Beijing). It's all pie-in-the-sky at the moment, but the technology is now available for me to do this alone.

Me: Alright, so, your music is very different then what is out there. Do you have any major influences or music you listen ti nowadays?

Lee: No. I literally stopped listening to music a long time ago. In my formative years (now I'm deforming) I, of course, was a rabid consumer of music. Concerts, thousands of CDs and 12" vinyl albums, esoteric stereo playback gear, etc. Now, and for the last several years, I just play/listen to what I produce. I am more inspired now by some philosophical systems I am fond of, nature and graphic arts. I have mentioned many times that one (of many) profound influences on my music is Monet... the way he captured the vibratory waves of light emanating from flowers, etc. I spent a day at his house in Giverny, wandering around his house, studio and gardens, literally awestruck. I took about 10 rolls of film (yes, analog X 36 pictures a roll) and made a video of some of my best photos with a soundtrack attempting to duplicate what he did visually with sound:  Van Gogh also captured 'the light.' I spent hours in his museum in Amsterdam (with some herbal aides from a 'coffee shop' helping me to tune in), amazed. And one more piece of art (out of MANY) that left me gobsmacked was Michelangelo's David. When I was standing in front of it, I was transfixed... timeless moments (also really dig Bosch, Hieronymus... that guy makes Dali look like a realist!). I think you get the picture (sorry... I'm tired).

Me: That's okay. What's next for you, Lee?

Lee: I might have a light snack... perhaps some fruit and green tea.

Me: Thanks so much for being on the Phile again. In January I'll be celebrating ten years of this stupid thing, and hope you'll come back then. Will you?

Lee: My dear friend, nothing will stop me... not even the death of my body! Don't forget to invite me!

Me: Mention your website and anything else and I wish you lots of luck and continued success. Take care.

Lee: Thank you so much, as always, Jason. Your kind support has meant a great deal to me over the years (yes, my friend, years). Here are my main websites:,,,, And, last but not least, a very cool on-line shop in the U.K. that exclusively sells my visual artwork and other groovy goods by other artists (t-shirts, mugs, panties, ribbed condoms, etc.): Check it out! Cool holiday presents found there! Thanks, Jason. I hope I passed the audition.

Me: Good job.

That about does it for this entry. Thanks to Jeff Trelewicz and of course Lee Negin. The Phile will be back next Monday with rock cello player Noah Hoffeid. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Pheaturing Phyllis Sinclair

Hey there, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. It's still October, people, which means it's still Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Here's to the NFL for supporting the health of every woman not married to an NFL player.  Okay, with that said, let's talk about how you can now buy a 70 mph adult version of the Little Tikes toy car. Most of us are familiar with the classic Little Tikes car, the red-and-yellow plastic vehicle that lets toddlers scoot around using Flintstones-style foot power. In what can only be a desperate effort to hold onto a lost childhood, Oxfordshire, U.K. brothers John and Geof Bitmead... I wonder if I went to school with them, have made a motorized, totally street-legal version of the car for adults. Because the only thing that's more fun than a toy is a toy that might someday need $5,000 in repairs. Unfortunately, the dream of using the car to raise money for charity (and to pay off the $46,000 cost of building the thing) never came true, so now the brothers are selling it for around $32,000. Yes, it's true! For double the cost of a sensible Honda Fit, you can buy a windowless, climate-uncontrolled Daewoo Matiz that will probably get constantly rear-ended because people are staring at it. Dreams: They do come true. According to the BBC, the Bitmead brothers have their eyes on a much more reasonable project next: an "Addams Family" camper van.  Do you know who Christian evangelist Joel Osteen is? I don't, but he accidentally tweets advice on masturbating with friends.

Like I said, I have no idea who he is but his brand of saccharine self-help Christianity makes it really funny when he accidentally tells you that unlocking the true potential of your friendships is to rub one out together. Most criticisms of Osteen center around the "prosperity gospel," in which he and others claim Christ will make you rich for believing in Him. Obviously, because Jesus threw the moneychangers out of the temple to protest excess government regulation, and that whole multiplying-the-fish-and-the-bread thing was actually an allegory for compound interest. Anyway, J.C. wants you to give out hand jobs for money. Don't look at me like that, Joel Osteen said it.  Justin Bieber caused a long, thick commotion in the news when nude pictures of him and his peeper emerged from a vacation in Bora Bora. Everyone in the world saw his penis, and everyone commented on it. Even his dad wrote a tweet about it. Bieber sat down with "Access Hollywood" to discuss his forthcoming album, life, and of course, those nude pictures. Here was his reaction to the paparazzi pictures seen 'round the world, "My first thing was like… how can they do this? Like, I feel super violated. Like, I feel like I can't step outside and feel like I can go outside naked. Like, you should feel comfortable in your own space… especially that far away." It is unfortunate that someone that famous can't even go to a remote island without being photographed. However, as for how they can do it, they use a long-range telephoto lens. Then they sell those images to the highest bidder. Then everyone sees your penis. And here's his reaction to that specific detail, "That was shrinkage for me." Normally that would be a fair thing to say when there's water involved, but the average temperature in Tahiti for the month of October is 84 degrees Fahrenheit. And it looked like there may have been a hot tub in those pictures. So while it still impressed everyone, we can safely assume there was no shrinkage involved. And if he's a "shower" instead of a "grower," then perhaps it's not all that impressive. We'll have to wait for that answer from the next set of naked pictures that get leaked. By the way, I like Justin, like I showed you a long time ago he's a Foghat fan...

This past week there was a big announcement from "Playboy" which came as a crushing blow to masturbators everywhere. "Playboy" will no longer publish nude photos as part of a complete redesign of the magazine. There will still be a Playmate of the Month, but she will pose provocatively with clothes on instead of in the buff. The overhaul reflects the reality of pornography in the digital age, where tasteful nudes are pretty tame compared to anything found on the web. Editorial changes will also include a sex advice column written by a female, and a focus on youth-oriented art and fashion. The shift is intended to make the magazine safe for work with PG-13 imagery. This follows the website dropping nudes last August, which resulted in increased traffic and younger readership. Cory Jones, the Chief Content Officer who oversaw the changes to the website, was put in charge of the magazine in July. Founder Hugh Hefner remains the magazine’s editor-in-chief. Several famous "Playboy" traditions like investigative journalism and in-depth interviews will remain in place. So will lists ranking the top party schools and sexiest cities. We'll see if it can survive the digital age, in which people watch absurd amounts of porn at work and will soon watch it in virtual reality. Moaning, heavy breathing, and screaming could be heard at a Target store in California on Wednesday, and unfortunately it wasn't coming from the cheap electronic ghosts in the Halloween aisle. Gina Young was shopping with her 3 year old twin boys when porn audio began blaring over the loudspeakers. “What is going on at Target right now?!” Young asks in a video she posted on Instagram of the incident. There was much confusion, especially among the small children who are too old to understand why everyone was suddenly reacting so strongly. "People offered to help me cover my twins' ears,” Young said. “Others threw their stuff down and walked out. Employees were running around everywhere. Picking and hanging up phones, which worked… for about two minutes before it started up again." The X-rated audio played for a full 15 minutes before anyone could figure out how to shut the smut show down for good. Typical Target, you go in for one thing and end up getting a bunch of stuff you didn't even want.  Speaking of Target, someone took the name of the store a little too literally...

So close...  By the way, I went to Target today and guess what I found? Slow Ride beer. I smell a law suit. Just kidding. I tried it and it's good.  Tomorrow during the Giants game they are gonna be showing a brand new trailer for the new Star Wars movie! The Giants and Star Wars... man, life couldn't get any better. Anyway, here on the Phile I have an exclusive screen shot of the new trailer.

I think Disney is taking this synergy thing a little too far.  A lot of magazines show you pictures of celebrities without their make-up, so I thought what the hell, I should do the same thing.

Okay, like I said it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I have been showing you some powerful and clever breast cancer awareness ads. So, check it out...

Pretty damn clever if you ask me. Alright, and now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Reasons Why "Playboy" Dropped Nudity
5. Hugh Hefner is 89 years old. The only pictures that get him excited these days are of soup.
4. Their editors saw the writing on the wall and predicted that sometime in the near future, people may use the Internet to look at naked women.
3. People kept telling them, "I just read it for the articles," and they didn't realize it was a joke.
2. The magazine will now get better placement in the country's six remaining newsstands.
And the number one reason why "Playboy' dropped nudity...
1. They felt it was finally time to pass the baton to "Swank," "Juggs" and "Bootylicious."

Haha. I apologize. Phyllis is probably thinking what the hell kinda blog is this. It's a blog that does good. So, I don't know if you know but the Phild reaches out to a lot of people. A Phile reader want to come on and reach out to my readers on something that is very important. I said why not, and thought I'll create a new pheature and call it...

Hey, I've been to that Friday's. Anyway, let's get serious. Please welcome to the Phile... Cally Houck.

An unrepaired, recalled Chrysler rental car killed both of my beautiful, talented, treasured daughters, Raechel and Jacqueline. Chrysler issued a safety recall notice about 30 days before they rented it, but the rental company never bothered to get the free repairs done first.  Federal law prohibits car dealers from selling recalled new cars, but there is no similar law to stop rental car companies from renting dangerous recalled cars. And now that Congress is finally close to passing a bill that would change that, key members of Congress need to hear from everyone who cares about rental car safety. Raechel and Jackie were just 24 and 20, full of life, and devoted to making the world a better place. They were on their way back home from visiting their father, younger brother, and me when the Chrysler PT Cruiser they rented caught fire. It had been recalled for a defective steering component prone to leaking, causing an underhood fire and loss of steering. The car veered across the median and crashed head-on into a tractor trailer. The big rig drivers and other witnesses said the car was on fire before the crash.  Some auto manufacturers and car dealers are aggressively lobbying to block this bill, named after Raechel and Jackie, that would make it a violation of federal law for a rental car company to rent or sell recalled cars with lethal safety defects, until the defects have been repaired. They have the ear of Congressman Fred Upton, the powerful Chair of the U.S. House Energy and Commerce Committee, which may decide its fate.  Eventually, the rental car company admitted 100% liability for their deaths, and years later, they also apologized to me. They’re even working with me to pass The Raechel and Jacqueline Houck Safe Rental Car Act, which has passed in the Senate with bipartisan support. The House will vote soon as part of the transportation bill being debated this very moment.  And while the rental car companies and auto manufacturers like GM and Honda support this bill, other auto manufacturers and dealers are fighting against it.  Everyone who rents a car deserves one that is safe, and free from known lethal safety defects. Nothing can replace my daughters, but together we can keep other families from suffering such a needless, horrendous loss.  Please, join me in calling on Congressman Fred Upton to support Raechel and Jackie’s bill, before someone else is seriously injured or killed.

Man alive. Thanks, Cally. Please go to for more info.

The 40th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

The author Gary Gerani will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks. Okay, so, it's fall, and I am showing you some snack hacks you can make in the fall with a pheature called...

Using the lid of your yogurt container as a spoon.

This is way more efficient than performing cunnilingus on your yogurt cup.

Today's pheatured guest is a Canadian folk singer whose album "Dreams of the Washerwomen" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Phyllis Sinclair.

Me: Hello, Phyllis, how are you? Welcome to the Phile.

Phyllis: Hello, Jay.

Me: In the years I have been doing interviews I interviewed a lot of Canadians, but you are the first Aboriginal Cree Canadian I interviewed, and I don't know what that is. Are you part of a tribe?

Phyllis: Yes. I am part of an Indian tribe called the Cree. In Canada, we say we refer to North American Indian Peoples as First Nations Peoples or Aboriginal. The first title being the most common.

Me: What is the Cree?

Phyllis: Cree is the largest First Nations Tribe in Canada. We span an area from Quebec to Eastern British Columbia. There are many Cree dialects. I am Swampy Cree. The Swampy Cree live in Northern Manitoba.

Me: Sorry, I could be an idiot sometimes. Where about Canada are you from?

Phyllis: I was born in Churchill, Manitoba which is on the west coast of the Hudson Bay. Manitoba is the middle province in Canada. It is part of the three prairie provinces. Churchill is the polar bear capital of the world. It is north of the 58th parallel.

Me: Okay. I asked every Canadian I interviewed practically if they are fans of one of my favorite all-time bands who are also Canadian... Barenaked Ladies. Are you a fan of said band?

Phyllis: The Barenaked Ladies are definitely one of my favorite bands. They carve their own path...  don't try to sound like anyone else. They stand alone. Not always easy music business.

Me: Your grandmother and mother were single parents, right? Do you have children? You're not a single mother, are you?

Phyllis: Yes. My grandmother was widowed very early and raised nine kids. She never remarried. My mother was a single mother. I have three children (two surviving). I am married, and not a single mother. I watched my daughter struggle as single parent, raising three small children after a breakup. I felt for her.

Me: Wow, I am sorry to hear that. You were a radio host before, right? What kinda station were you on? Do you still do radio work?

Phyllis: Yes. I worked in radio current affairs for our national public broadcaster, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. I was a morning show co-host for a radio current affairs show called "Daybreak," in Northern British Columbia. I no longer work in radio. I left the CBC to work on my MBA, which I have since attained.

Me: You have three albums out, and the last one "Dreams of a Washerwomen" I downloaded from iTunes. How long have you been writing music and performing?

Phyllis: I've been writing since I was a teen, but I never wrote seriously. I suppose you could call it recreationally. My Cree tradition is a story telling tradition with a lot of imagery. This has always been my style of writing. I didn't think, during my youth, that anyone would be interested in that style of writing. I've performed since my teens as well, singing in coffee houses, and church. I started writing seriously when I began to hear other songwriters like David Francey, James Keelaghan. Only then did I realize that people might be interested in this style of writing. I've been writing for years... too long to remember, but only seriously in the last 12 years or so.

Me: One of your songs on the album is called "Another Single Day." Is that about being a single mother?

Phyllis: Yes. I read a statistic last year that said that children from single parent families were at an increased risk for social, academic and emotional problems. I wanted the parents to know that this stat is not a prophecy. There are those children that go stray in any family situation. Many single parent children do just fine, and many... feeling they have something to prove... do very well. Being a single parent is not easy. It's lonely and tiring. I watched my mom and daughter struggle trying to balance their parental responsibilities and self care. It's a tight rope walk at times.

Me: What is a washerwomen, Phyllis?

Phyllis: A washerwoman is a woman who washes clothes for a living. It was common during the early part of the century and the Great Depression. It was an actual occupation. For the most part the washing and pressing was all done manually. My grandmother washed clothes to earn a living. When she took ill suddenly and was sent to a city hospital, my mother quit school to take over her duties, fearing my grandmother would lose her clients. My mother was in eighth grade. Later on when the military set up a base in Churchill, my mom and grandmother were both hired to work in the military industrial laundry facility.....they called it the Laundry Plant. Their employee card showed their work title as Laundress. My grandmother worked there to her retirement.

Me: You have one a Canadian Aboriginal Music Award, am I right? I didn't know there was such a thing. What did you win?

Phyllis: No. I was nominated for Best Folk Acoustic Album by the CAMA, but alas I didn't win. But, I gained a lot with the nomination.

Me: Oh, again I'm an idiot. Phyllis, are you already planning on a new album?

Phyllis: My wheels are always turning, and I am already thinking about the next album. I'm not sure which direction I will take this album, but it will certainly have soft social content. Somehow I hear a lot more percussion on this one, with more up tempos.

Me: Does it take you awhile to write songs?

Phyllis: It depends. I generally have a subject burning in my mind for months. Sometimes it comes together easily. Other times I labour over it. "Main Street" took me months to write. But, it is one of my favorite songs since its a song that give purpose to struggle... if we are willing to see, and gain from it... struggle, that is!!

Me: Thanks so much for being on the Phile. I hope you come back, and thought this was fun. Do you have a website you wanna plug?

Phyllis: Thanks... yes... it was fun. Please check out my website at    

Me: Thanks again, and take care.

Phyliss: My pleasure. Anytime!! Thank you. I appreciate your candidness, and am glad you asked the questions.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Cally Houck... I wish her a lot of luck, and Phyllis Sinclair. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Phile Alum Lee Negin. So, spread the word not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker