Thursday, August 31, 2006

Turn It Into Hate

The jug heads hit the city from every country round the globe. The ships pulled in the drinks were free the ticker tape came out in rolls. I was sitting in a bar watching this on TV. To me it looked like a failure but they called it victory. Well if you can sleep at night go ahead that's great, you're just dreaming anyway if you don't get irate. Come on turn it into hate. Send your little boys and girls to go and play in a giant sandbox. Put your movie stars on the cover of  People for goin' in for a detox. Let your happy-face news readers share a little joke at the end of the night's transmission. Let's see the world through the eyes of some clown gonna make all of your decisions. Well if you can sleep at night go ahead that's great. It's all been manufactured like the junk that's on your plate
Some of them lead the marching band suddenly they're war heroes. Some of them fall in a foreign land suddenly they're just zeroes. Some of us go back to sleep, some of us learn to fear it. There's a siren blowin' in your heart, you just don't want to hear it. Well if you can sleep at night go ahead that's all right. Just don't start a fight with anyone rich and white. Turn it into hate. 

Hello, and welcome to another entry of the Phile. I can't believe it's the last day of August all ready. Sheesh, where has time gone? It’s a sad time of the year. Summer is coming to an end. Mel Gibson blames it on the Jews. So, did you follow the Little League World Series? The US team, a group of kids from Georgia beat the Japanese team to win the Little League World Series. You might not think that’s much but Mrs. Wayne Gretzky lost half a million on it. Tom Cruise has found a new film deal. Thank God! I was so worried he’d wind up driving a cab. President Bush was down in New Orleans. Don’t worry FEMA is now on their way down too. The Emmy Awards were last Sunday. The security was unbelievable. It was tighter than Joan Collins face. Are any of you folks fans of the solar system? Well you can kiss Pluto good bye! Adios! It’s no longer a planet. There used to be nine, now there’s eight. Today Pluto packed up and moved out. It said it is now going to spend more time with the family. Even sadder…it hung out around Saturn all day trying to get a job as a moon. Here’s some new from California. A fire was started near Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch. There was some dry grass and they think someone started a fire. Now I think the blaze was caused by some concerned parents. They say that fire has them puzzled and is of suspicious origin – but so is Michael Jackson. President Bush finally has an exit plan for Iraq. In a few years he’ll leave office and let the next guy worry about it. Tonight the MTV Video Music Awards will be shown on MTV, of course. The last time I watched that Arsenio Hall was host.


Well, sometime after the remaining houseguests pretended once again to be awed by a new rug and comforter in a bedroom, the 47-year-old man who normally dresses up like a giant chicken got into a skintight green leotard, mounted and virtually ass-raped people dressed like birds and bees who’d just soaked themselves in yellow liquid, all so they could earn beer and meat as their only food for the week, which they learned they’d won after the person hosting the competition said, non-ironically, “now that we’ve spread our seed and pollinated the back yard,” a phrase that, ironically, also applied to the hairless dermatologist who won season two—who’s going to win again even though he’s playing the exact same transparent game—because he interrupted his flirting with the blonde cocktail waitress who America loves in order to dry-hump a camera in the backyard and make verbal love to the camera and thus the audience at home. It was awesome. At the end of last Tuesday’s episode of Big Brother 7, a peanut M&M climbed up my esophagus and landed on my tongue. I realized that this was clearly a warning from my stomach: If I watch one more segment with Mike Boogie and Will in the damn diary room doing that stupid call-each-other-on-their-fake-hand-phones routine, I’m going to blow chunks all over my living room. It’s unfortunate the editors ended with that hackneyed, unfunny stupidity, because otherwise, this episode was quite strong, and Will was its star, albeit from the background. He did what he does best: controlling the game from the sidelines and letting all of the blame fall on others. It’s really incredible how skilled his is at manipulating others—and how rarely they notice. Last night, after Janelle won the veto (again, albeit playing a game that was a bastardized version of one she played last year), Erika had to nominate a new houseguest for eviction. That left Erika with what she called “a real dilemma,” because she had to nominate Danielle, Will, or Boogie, all of whom she has alliances with. We saw Erika promise Danielle that she’d be safe, but of course that meant she’d have to nominate Will (her skeevy showmance Mike “Boogie” Malin was apparently not an option). But Chill Town managed to convince Erika that she couldn’t win in the final two against Danielle, which may be true, and thus she decided to go after Danielle. But because Erika plays emotionally, as she admitted, she revealed her plans to Danielle well before the veto ceremony. At first, Danielle was resigned to the fact. But later, she expressed her anger and sadness at Erika. “I gave you my heart, Erika. You nominating me is the ultimate betrayal. … By you, it hurts. It hurts,” she said. And herein lies Will’s brilliance: Erika may not have completely decided to nominate Danielle at that point, but once Danielle broke down, Will exploited this, and ensured Erika wouldn’t target him. “She’s lost her mind. She’s clearly crazy,” he said of Danielle. Thus, Danielle went on the block, and will most likely be evicted Thursday night. Of course, so will someone else, but the houseguests don’t know that yet. Besides this game play drama, the show’s product placement was unexpectedly awesome. Yes, Doogie Howser’s visit to the Big Brother house was amazing because, as it turns out, Neil Patrick Harris is “a huge fan of the show,” as he told us. That was somewhat ironic, as Will pointed out that he’s a huge fan of NPH’s CBS sitcom. When NPH entered the house, he was in awe, and it didn’t just seem like he was pissed at his agents. “Holy crap, I’m in the Big Brother house,” he said. He woke everyone up, saying, “Ho, ho, ho. Rise and shine, everybody. Merry Christmas,” as he was there to present their Christmas in August reward. Later, he did back flips on their new trampoline. But best of all, Neil Patrick Harris proved to be a bitchy fan of the show just like the rest of us. In the diary room, he said George—who later admitted to Boogie and Will that he was once struck by lightning—“is a little, um, simple?” Then he explained the gifts he brought, and dissed Mike Boogie. “The houseguests got lots of clothes, which apparently they desperately needed,” Harris said. “Because if I see Mike Boogie wear a Dolce shirt one more time on this show — really.” Awesome. Next season, I vote for Neil Patrick Harris to become a houseguest.

SEARCH ENGINE If you want to send someone a million thanks, send them this.


The last time an entire U.S. city got monumentally mad was back in 1864, when a guy named Sherman paid a little visit to Atlanta. This isn't to say that it takes 100,000 invading troops to make a town lose its temper—Orlando has never been a strategic military target, and yet the folks there are furious. Yes, Orlando, home of the Magic Kingdom and mandated happiness. Who knows? Maybe living in Goofyville wears thin after 35 years. My search for evidence of urban anger began with the percentage of men with high blood pressure, from the CDC's Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System (as calculated by Sperling's BestPlaces). I then factored in FBI rates of aggravated assaults and Bureau of Labor Statistics numbers on workplace deaths from assaults and other violence. And because rage and the road often go hand in hand, I also included traffic-congestion data from the Texas Transportation Institute, as well as speeding citations per state from the Governors Highway Safety Association. Does your city's rank rankle you? We kind of figured it would. Thank god I live in Minneola, Florida.


1422:Henry V dies of dysentery! 1888:Jack the Ripper kills his first known victim, prostitute Mary Ann Nichols, slitting her throat from ear to ear. 1919:The American Communist Party is established, providing entertainment for Joseph McCarthy and J. Edgar Hoover for decades. 1997:Lady Diana, and her boyfriend Dodi Fayed, killed in car crash inside a Paris tunnel. The driver was drunk and they were going very, very fast. 1999:A video game machine explodes at an underground Moscow arcade, injuring perhaps thirty people and killing several others.


Watching and possessing images of rape and sexual torture is to be made a criminal offence, punishable with a jail term of up to three years. The plan follows a campaign by two MPs and the mother of a schoolteacher who was killed in 2003. Violent Internet pornography was implicated in the trial of the man convicted of her murder. Home Office minister Vernon Coaker said there was an urgent need to tackle the problem because such images were becoming more easily available on the Internet and control of their distribution more difficult. The new laws -- which will cover pornography online and offline -- will ban possession of images depicting "scenes of extreme sexual violence", plus other obscene material like bestiality or necrophilia. For example, it would cover violence that is, or appears to be, life-threatening or is likely to result in "serious and disabling injury". Britain's Obscene Publications Act 1959 currently bans the publication and distribution of such material, but not its possession. Under the proposals, the maximum penalty for publication, distribution and possession for gain of obscene pornography would also be increased from three to five years' imprisonment. The Home Office said they did not intend to target people who accidentally access obscene pornography nor those working within the mainstream adult entertainment industry, which works within existing obscenity laws. The project is in response to a consultation launched last year and comes after a 50,000-signature petition against extreme Internet sites promoting violence against women for sexual gratification was presented to parliament.


J is for Jesus: Influential, radical Jewish teacher in first century Palestine. Suggested that his followers give up all personal property and renounce all violence. K is for knife: OK, so the K is silent. A knife in a scabbard, such as we wore on our belts when playing in the woods, I think it was part of the cub scout's uniform. L is for lunatic: I'd first thought of M for Madman or Maniac, but it's also M for Mentally wonky (note to editor: replace 'wonky' with latest PC alternative) so PC people might consider it acceptable. But L for Lunatic is unequivocal, and has the added appeal that it bolsters the disputed notion that the actions of asylum inmates are aligned with the motions of the moon. M is for muff: One of those hairy things that ladies slip their fingers into on cold days (or just for the comfortable feeling). Next week, N, O, P and Q.


A Flash-based video of now twenty-year-old American Gary Brolsma lip-synching the song energetically on his webcam brought the Numa Numa phenomenon to the US video. Brolsma has stated that he first discovered the song in the Japanese flash animation. Brolsma first published his "Numa Numa Dance" on the Newgrounds site on December 6, 2004. Since then it has popped up on hundreds of other websites and blogs, and he has made appearances on ABC's Good Morning America, NBC's The Tonight Show and VH1's Best Week Ever. Brolsma is a resident of the state of New Jersey and is reportedly not happy with his fame, although he has created tweaked versions of the video since it became popular. According to The New York Times, Brolsma has become an "unwilling and embarrassed Web celebrity." Brolsma has stopped taking phone calls from the media; he canceled an appearance on NBC's Today Show on February 17, 2005, and he did not cooperate with The New York Times for their February 26, 2005 article about him.


This X-ray shows a boy who swallowed magnetic pieces of a block one at a time. When they hit his stomach, they reconnected.


Woner Woman: At the risk of sounding like an emasculated wuss with dangerously low testosterone levels and embarrassingly bad taste in pop music, let me just say that I totally love, love, love Katharine McPhee! She'd be perfect as the Amazon princess, as long as there's no Taylor Hicks cameo.

Spider-Man 4, 5 and 6: Marvel's CEO wants to make sequels for the "next 20 years." They should approach this like the Bond franchise — gimme a new Peter Parker every fifth movie. Next up: that sulky kid from Little Miss Sunshine.

The Queen Vs. The Wondrous Oblivion: Reason No. 235: They're obsessed with a "sport" called cricket. Evidence: this trailer. Reason No. 236: They're even more obsessed with Princess Di. Evidence: the brouhaha this preview is causing on the other side of the pond.

And now my review of Barnyard: The Original Party Animals. Oh, good, another digitally animated talking-animal movie. I was just chatting with some friends about what's wrong with Hollywood and I said, "I want a new animated talking-animal movie every week from now until I die." And it looks as though dreams really do come true, because now there's a never-ending supply of digitally animated talking-animal movies. Even better? They're all exactly alike and feature Wanda Sykes as a sassy "fill in the blank with whatever animal you think is sassiest." I'm happier than a talking, surfing pig in mud. Evenbetter than the fact that this is the 147th animated talking-animal movie to be released this year is all the great contemporary pop songs on the soundtrack blasting out of the speakers in THX. Foghat's 'Slow Ride' sang by the executive producer appears when the animals steal some bikes from bikers. And also, there's a moral tucked into it all somewhere … something about standing up for yourself and others or whatever. Something you can grill your kids about when it's over so you don't feel like a bad parent for taking them to see it. There are some really terrifying coyotes in this movie. And they kill a major character. And they snarl and drool and are pretty awful. Your tiny ones, unless they're made of cast iron, will freak out and need to be carried home crying from the theater. This is not a guess. I guarantee it. These talking animals get drunk on milk and honey, and then they snowboard and throw raves in the barn late at night and resist the gender demands of nature. And by that, I mean all the male cows have udders. Even the one voiced by gravel-throated Sam Elliott. Udders. And get this, the old farmer (who we learn is a vegan, thereby making a barnyard full of animals superfluous) is seen reading Charlotte's Web. That's because the live-action feature version of the book, from Paramount and Nickelodeon, the people behind this one, is coming this December. There are no coincidences in this life, young people. I give the movie a 9. Logan said he liked when they 9the animals) were punching and fighting. And he liked when Ben was singing Tom Petty's 'I Won't Back Down'. And he liked when there were party time.

I will now leave you with a random picture. Check out the Phile's new-improved webshots page for some new pics, and remember, spread the word and not the turd.

Click for a random picture!


Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Other Side Of Summer

The sun struggles up another beautiful day. And I felt glad in my own suspicious way.
Despite the contradiction and confusion, felt tragic without reason. There's malice and there's magic in every season. From the foaming breakers of the poisonous surf, to the burning forests in the hills of Astroturf. The automatic gates close up between the shanties and the palace. The blowtorch amusements, the voodoo chalice. The pale pathetic promises that everybody swallows. A teenage girl is crying 'cos she don't look like a million dollars. So help her if you can 'cos she don't seem to have the attention span. Was it a millionaire who said "imagine no possessions"? A poor little schoolboy who said "we don't need no lessons"? The rabid rebel dogs ransack the shampoo shop.
The pop princess is downtown shooting up. And if that goddess is fit for burning the sun will struggle up the world will still keep turning. Madman standing by the side of the road saying "Look at my eyes, look at my eyes, look at my eyes, look at my eyes"
Now you can't afford to fake all the drugs your parents used to take because of their mistakes you'd better be wide awake. The mightiest rose, the absence of perfume, the casual killers, the military curfew, the cardboard city, and the unwanted birthday. The dancing was desperate, the music was worse. They bury your dreams and dig up the worthless. Goodnight. God bless. And kiss "goodbye" to the earth. The other side of summer.

Hello, it's Thursday, summer's almost over, and it's time for another entry of the Phile. Baseball had a big weekend. The Yankees won four games over the Red Sox. They won up in Boston, four in a row. Boston is blaming their pitching. Mel Gibson blamed it on the Jews. Did you hear about these guys that were lost at sea for nine months? They were found and rescued. The first thing they said when they got to shore was, "Mel Gibson said what?!” A former sex slave of Osama bin Laden now has a book coming out. In the book, she says that Osama bin Laden is in love with Whitney Houston. It would be interesting. On the one hand, you have an out-of-control maniac, and then on the other hand, there's Osama bin Laden. NASA lost the original film of the moon landing. Did you hear about this? Well, you know, in their defense, they're not exactly rocket scientists."


This past week on Big Brother: I’m desperately trying to figure out if last Thursday’s episode of Big Brother 7 was appallingly dull or incredibly shocking. Marcellas was evicted by a unanimous vote, exactly as Janelle predicted would happen when Will and Boogie proposed this and promised her it wouldn’t happen. Right before being evicted after a live vote, Marcellas told the other houseguests, “No big speeches.” Then he proceeded to give a big speech, in which he invented a new verb, “to scumbag”:  “We each get to choose how we play this game. If you want the game to be about lies and scumbagging each other, and you can live with that when it’s over, that’s great. I’ve tried to be honest, I’ve tried to be friends with everybody, and I hope that you guys know that’s what I wanted. So if you can lie to me to my face, send me out under these circumstances, that’s all I can do. I want to stay. All I can say is please.” Alas, no one listened, and he walked out the door, stopping only to hug Erika and kiss Danielle, who started bawling. When Marcellas sat down with Julie Chen, she displayed some actual personality by alluding to her previous display of personality, when she hit Marcellas on the head with her cards after he didn’t use the veto to save himself during season three. This time, Julie referred to Marcellas’ wig and asked, “Did you wear this for protection so I wouldn’t hit you?” Moments later, Julie presided over the HOH competition. The producers opted this time to have technology that could not fail: the houseguests’ hands. Yes, each of them wore one white glove and one red glove, and were asked to raise their hands to answer questions, as if this show wasn’t already enough of a joke. Incredibly, Chicken George tied with Danielle, and then won the tiebreaker, becoming the new HOH. Like viewers everywhere, he was literally in shock, not even moving to hug those people who were stretching their arms out to hug him. I’d say he was affected by all that high-protein oatmeal he’s been eating, except that expression of utter disbelief and confusion is the one he usually has on his face. As luck would have it, this is a double elimination week, as Julie Chen told us, and seconds after learning that, George had to nominate two people for eviction. This practically caused George to stroke out right then, particularly when Julie Chen said, “and I need it quickly, George.” He nominated James and Erika, nominations that sound suspiciously like the people Janelle would have nominated. In any case, one of them will be evicted Sunday night. Or maybe not. That’s because Mike Boogie won the coup d’etat, and has two more chances to use the power, having turned down the first opportunity tonight. Thus, he’ll either use it Sunday or Thursday. Boogie correctly guessed that the first two clues, a ewe and some sewing equipment, meant “You reap what you sew.” Mike Boogie knew he’d won when a grim reaper appeared in the house and looked at the houseguests, although not with the glowing CG red eyes added for our benefit. Oh, crazy costumes and computer graphics—so much fun! What will Sunday’s episode bring? A grown man dressed like a chicken trying to make decisions? Well, well, well. Who would have ever thought Chicken George capable of making Big Brother 7 interesting again, if only for a few minutes? George, bonded forever to Howie as his Jedi protege—you know, I just realized that when I write sentences like that, I die a little inside. Anyway, George stabbed his buddy in the back, nominating him for eviction, leading to his eviction and to a whole lot of drama. For a few minutes, it seemed like George was playing very strategically. And I suppose he still is; he’s just playing the cover-your-ass game of Big Brother. Thus, when Mike “Boogie” Malin threatened him right before the veto ceremony, George backed down. Mike said, and I quote, “I’m not confirming or denying who would have the power, but there’s a general acceptance of who does. … Is that maybe something you want to go up against?” George was definitely swayed by the speech, and when Danielle and Erika shrieked at him “do it!” he caved, nominating Howie. Of course, had Mike given a speech about Cheez Balls, George probably would have nominated a Cheez Ball for eviction. Thus inspired Howie’s first outburst of the evening, because it wouldn’t be a day in the house if Howie didn’t get emotional. As he took his seat in the nomination chair, Howie angrily said, “Promised me twice, Georgie. And you want to listen to the people that tried to sell your ass out last week?” Howie only settled down once everyone assured him that he wasn’t leaving. Among those that gave him their word was Mike “Boogie” Malin, who assured Howie that it’d always be “bros before hos.” Do these men date anyone but their own hands? Mike “Boogie” Malin voted against Howie, of course, because he’s a little weasel liar who Will uses as a shield. And thus, as Howie walked out the door, we almost had our first fight of the season. Mike said to him, “Sorry, Howie,” and Howie grabbed Mike’s hat and threw it. “Who’s the sell-out, buddy?” Howie yelled. “Tight! Class move!” Mike said, clapping. “Another class-act leaves the big Brother house.” Then Howie got in Mike’s face, saying, “Right to my face, lie to me. You little punk.” James stepped between them, but the yelling continued. “Howie, get to steppin’, get to steppin’ Howie. There’s 20 people standing outside the door,” Mike said, clearly showing his ignorance about the show’s security force, which probably consists of an intern wearing a police officer’s hat that makes him look slightly less like a porn star than Mike Boogie does wearing that stupid hat he wears. Howie finally left, saying, “Kiss my ass,” and Mike replied, “Class act. Go get a life, Howie, get a life, dog.” Having apparently been energized by the confrontation, Mike proceeded to win HOH. (Incidentally, all of this drama was pre-taped, and in fact, Mike’s nominations are already in, and the next veto competition has already been played.) The actual HOH competition was so disturbing that I’m glad it lasted just a few sped-up minutes. The producers, the soulless bastards, unleashed some little people dressed in shitty gnome costumes into the back yard. To answer questions, the houseguests had to put their faces into gnome-shaped cutouts marked T or F. If they got the question wrong, one of the gnome little people would smash them in the face with some kind of brown cream pie. Then Julie Chen, newswoman, would say with a straight face, “Those of you with pie in your face, please step down; you’ve been eliminated.” Apparently, as all this happened, something went down between James and a little person, because after Mike won HOH and the little people were dancing, James said, “Sorry about that. We cool?” and shook one of their hands. Toward the beginning of Tuesday night’s Big Brother 7 episode, Mike Boogie explained what happened with the coup d’etat power. By that, I mean, he recited something that sounded as if he’d been told what to say. “The first two [evictions] I elected not to use it, and now I’m head of household, so the coup d’etat power is now no longer part of the game,” he said, thereby confirming that the live show will never deal with whether or not he lost the power because he violated the rules by talking about it. Meanwhile, with Howie gone, Janelle was devastated. Or at least, that’s how she acted, crying and curling herself into a ball. But as she told us, “I want to appear weak, I want to appear emotional, and I want to appear like I don’t have any fight left in me when I actually do. Of course it’s strategy.” James didn’t buy it, but Will did, sort of. He said that Janelle is “a phenomenal competitor, she’s a warrior. And what I want to do is take her form this dark spot she’s at right now, and I want to rebuild her faster, stronger, and more loyal, and have her attack James for me.”As part of that strategy, Boogie and Will decided to nominate Janelle and James, and help Janelle win the veto, which no one would expect. “It is absolutely imperative that Janelle remains in this house,” Will said. “Why? She’s a much bigger target than Chill Town. … We have to keep her here, even if she’s not on our side, just so that the others will chase her down.” That’s a smart play, and if the guy makes it to the final two, he probably deserves to win, even against Janelle. Then again, maybe not: Janelle remained suspicious, saying that Chill Town was her number one target: “I’m going after them.” Game on. Before the veto competition, Janelle announced, “I’m ready to get nominated, win the power of veto, shove it up their asses.” She did that, although without the ass-shoving part, and with some controversy. During the competition, which took place on a quasi-Survivor set, and which Janelle compared to musical chairs and duck-duck-goose, James and Janelle fought over a small doll.  In the diary room, James whined, “She took the doll out of my hand, physically assaulted me. … This bitch took the doll out of my hand. Intentionally removing the doll from my hand is physically described as assault in the outside world.” While he was nursing his boo-boo, the editors showed us a replay of the moment, which showed that they fought over the wrong doll; Janelle then grabbed for the correct one and got away before James got close to it. Will, who threw the competition to help Janelle win, said, “James thinks the show is fixed in Janelle’s favor. Well, it is. I’m the one fixing it in Janelle’s favor, James,” he said, taking a bit too much credit. After Janelle saved herself with the veto, Mike Boogie nominated Chicken George, and James was fine with that decision. “There is not a scenario that does not play out good for me,” James said, unaware that he’ll probably be talking to Julie Chen tonight.


How white are you?

Hometown of The Simpsons.


Today: How to make magnetic water! Now, I know what you're thinking: "Jason, water isn't made of metal!" Well, you're right, but I'll tell you what is made of metal - iron. What I'm getting at is that if you could find a way to get iron into some water, we'd be in business. Enter our friend, Spinach. As it turns out, spinach's composition is as much as 27% iron or more. But it's all locked up in the stubbornly tenacious cellular structure of the spinach leaf. How will we extract it into our water? The same way our bodies do: Vitamin C, in the form of lime juice. So here's how to do it. First, get a glass and put about one half cup of water in it. Grab four limes and squeeze the juice into the glass. Next, get about three sizable leaves of spinach and submerge them in the water. Place the glass in your refrigerator (otherwise the water will turn green), and leave overnight. The next day, carefully fish out the spinach leaves, get a powerful magnet, and go to town!


Doctors in Pakistan removed a whole lightbulb from a prisoner's anus June 28. The man said he awoke with the problem, but doctors weren't sure.


79: Pompeii buried by Vesuvius, apparently to punish the debauchery that made the town famous. Tens of thousands of people perished only to have plaster casts made centuries later of the hollows their bodies once occupied. 1572: Troops loyal to the French crown alongside Catholic civilians massacre the Protestant Huguenots of Paris, estimates range between 20,000 and 100,000 deaths. At news of this carnage of this St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre, a gleeful Pope Gregory XIII ordered celebrations and a medal to be struck. 1812: The White House and other public buildings in the District of Columbia are torched by the British. 1958: Red China commences the shelling of the islands of Quemoy and Matsu, which hold one-third of Chiang Kai Shek's troops. The United States threatens nuclear retaliation for this, but the American people do not support the stance. A very strange compromise is worked out, permitting China to shell the islands on odd dates and Chiang Kai Shek's troops to resupply the islands on even dates. 1981: Mark David Chapman sentenced to 20 years for killing Beatle John Lennon. 2005: Howard on the FCC: "I pray to God the FCC hands down a fine against this station for my broadcast in February so that we can see them enact this ridiculous policy." The broadcast: Sex toys and porn stars. The policy: The FCC wants Infinity (CBS Radio) to immediately suspend any DJs targeted by formal complaints.


A girl of 14 was punched in the face as she worked as a carwash mascot inside a SpongeBob SquarePants costume. The teenager was dressed as a giant sponge when she was hit three times by a stranger as she waved to passers-by. It was her first day in the job she had taken to boost her pocket money. The girl, who did not want to be named, said: "I was standing there and someone came up and hit me three times. It really hurt. I think he got a shock when I said something and he realised I was a girl. I ran back to the garage crying. Why would anyone do something so cruel? I won't be doing it again. I'm too scared." Yesterday police said a 31-year old man from Lincoln has been charged with motoring offences and common assault over last Saturday's incident.



Since when did Chinese food become "New York Style?"


F is for faggot: Full of meaty goodness, or so my friends tell me. A faggot in the UK is something meaty you put in your mouth. OK, perhaps credulity won't be stretched. I'm sure I'm not the first: in the UK a 'fag' is common slang for a cigarette. So there I was, jet-lagged in a San Francisco bar, and exclaimed loudly to my colleague 'bugger me, the fags in here are cheap'. G is for gun: an essential prop for playing cowboys and indians. H is for housewife. Actually, maybe it should be under D for Domestic Engineer. I is for ivory. I swear I saw this in two separate alphabet books (one as a tusk, another as piano keys - as a kid, I was flummoxed by that one). Next week: J, K, L and M.

And now, a new segment called...


William Hung is a Chinese American college student and American entertainer who gained fame and notoriety in early 2004 as a result of his poorly received audition performance of Ricky Martin's hit song "She Bangs" on the third season of the television series American Idol. Hung rapidly gained a cult following around the world. A William Hung fan site set up by Realtor Don Chin and his wife Laura, recorded over four million hits within its first week. Hung subsequently appeared as a guest on a number of television programs including On Air with Ryan Seacrest, Entertainment Tonight, The Late Show With David Letterman, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, The Howard Stern Radio Show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Dateline NBC, and CBS's The Early Show. He was also featured in numerous magazines and newspapers nationwide and parodied on Saturday Night Live and Celebrity Deathmatch. On March 8, Koch Entertainment announced that Hung had decided to sign a record deal. The album has sold 195,000 copies, and reached #3 on's sales rankings. Hung released a Christmas album, Hung for the Holidays, on October 19, 2004. Hung's third album, Miracle: Happy Summer from William Hung, was released July 12, 2005 and became an instant failure. Its poor reception perhaps indicates that Hung's fifteen minutes of fame had finally run out. 

And now, for


Transformers: Your Autobots team: Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Jazz, Ratchet and Ironhide. Your Decepticons squad: Megatron, Starscream, Brawl, Bonecrusher, Barricade, Scorponok, Frenzy and Blackout. And some pics to jog your memory of who's who. 

Indiana Jones IV: Stupid things that George Lucas blurted out in an interview: "We're basically going to do The Phantom Menace," "We'll have to go back and take the offending parts out of it" and "There's a good chance it will happen." Translation: The sequel would totally blow, but they'll never get around to making it.

Spider-Man 3: They're doing reshoots — d'oh! — to add "more action." Apparently in the first cut, Spidey, Sandman, Venom and Harry Osborn talked through all their differences after a particularly moving episode of Oprah.

Bug: In the trailer, something has literally gotten under Ashley Judd's skin. And, no, I'm not one of those idiots who misuse the word "literally." If you do that around me, I will literally punch you in the neck.

Well, that's it for another week's entry. Remember, spread the word and not the turd. i will leave you with a random pic. Until next week...'nuff said.

Click for a random picture!




Thursday, August 17, 2006

Have Fun

Have fun. And if you can't have fun have someone else's fun. 'Cause someone sure had mine. They came in now they're having a whale of a time. You should grow a beard. A beard to tell a thousand stories never told before. A beard to tell you tales, whilst the fireplace roars. The closing of relationships and the opening of doors. The starting of hostilities and the ending of wars. Take care. And if you couldn't care take someone else's care. 'Cause someone took my care. They went there and then they were not there. Have fun. Hello, and welcome to another Phile entry. What's up? Logan has been in school for one week, and has not been in trouble yet. And I went through another week not passing out at work. Recently was the 53rd anniversary of Fidel Castro’s revolution in Cuba. Anybody know what Cuba’s main export is? Cubans. Here’s some good news. President Bush passed his annual physical. Doctors say he is in good shape and is well rested. You know what that means – he’s drinking again. As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, the airlines are saying no more hair gels, shampoo, makeup or hair sprays will be allowed in your carry-on bag. Who’s attacking us? Drag queens? They also said that men can not carry on shaving cream. Why? When was the last time you saw an Islamic militant guy with a can of shaving cream? You’ve never seen that. The terrorists called the liquid potion they were making, "Mother of Satan”. Which is what Mel Gibson now calls tequila. See, that offends me, "Mother of Satan”. Why did they have to bring Satan’s mother into this? You can’t blame the mom for the way the kids turned out. I’m sure Mrs. Satan did the best she could. Officials say the terrorists targeted United, American and Continental airlines. You know what that means. Even terrorists won’t fly southwest. It’s just too cramped. There’s no legroom… We have to give credit to the U.S. and British intelligence agencies for the good work they did in exposing this terrorist plot. Yet with all our intelligence gathering capabilities we still don’t’ know if Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are engaged. Why don’t we know this? Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie? In London you can’t even bring toothpaste on the plane. Which, for the English, isn’t really a problem. They’re now saying the price of crude oil could hit 80 dollars a barrel. That’s beyond crude. That’s obscene. Give you an ideahow expensive gas is getting, in Pennsylvania Amish country there has been a rash of horse and buggy jackings.

And now, I will get on my soap box. Cheap labor. Isn't that what the whole immigration issue is about? Business doesn't want to pay a decent wage. Consumers don't want expensive produce. Government will tell you Americans don't want the jobs. But the bottom line is cheap labor. The phrase "cheap labor" is a myth, a farce, a oxymoron. There is no such thing as "cheap labor." Take, for example, an illegal alien with a wife and five children. He takes a job for $5.00 or $6.00 per hour. At that wage, with six dependents, he pays no income tax, yet at the end of the year, if he files an Income Tax Return, he gets an "earned income credit" of up to $3,200 free. He qualifies for Section 8 housing and subsidized rent. He qualifies for food stamps. He qualifies for free (no deductible, no co-pay) health care. His children get free breakfasts and lunches at school. He requires bilingual teachers and books. He qualifies for relief from high energy bills. If they are or become, aged, blind or disabled, they qualify for SSI. Once
qualified for SSI they can qualify for Medicare. All of this is at the taxpayer's expense.
He doesn't worry about car insurance, life insurance, or homeowners insurance. Taxpayers provide Spanish language signs, bulletins and printed material. He and his family receive the equivalent of $20.00 to $30.00 an hour, in benefits. Working Americans are lucky to have $5.00 or $6.00 an hour LEFT, after paying their bills, and his. The American taxpayers also pay for increased crime, graffiti and trash clean up. Cheap labor? Yeah, right.


Kaysar, once the most revered player in the history of Big Brother, was voted out of the game yesterday, his 26th birthday. Unless I’m forgetting someone, Kaysar has now been evicted from the house more than any one else in the history of the game, having also been eliminated twice last season. As he left, Kaysar admitted to Julie Chen, “I’m just not cut out for this game.” He said that after learning from Julie that James was in a secret alliance with Danielle, Boogie, and Will. (Apparently, there won’t be any possibility of him or others returning to the game, as Julie explained everything to him, from the existence of the alliance to James’ hateful comments about Janelle.) Kaysar exited with dignity, and has my respect. Not as a game player—because he’s right, he completely sucks at this game—but as a human being. He’s a smart guy who shook things up last season in the best episode ever, but he was playing a game that he just didn’t have the skills for, including the ability to be duplicitous and evil. Kaysar, best of luck in your life as a former reality star. Meanwhile, Erika became the new head of household, although the game wasn’t exactly fair. Each houseguest had to answer a true or false question; if no one got it wrong, the last person to answer correctly would be eliminated. On the question Janelle answered the slowest, neither of Mike Boogie’s lights were illuminated. Julie Chen ignored this, but then, on the very next round, Howie answered but his light didn’t illuminate, and Julie asked him for an answer. He answered again, insisting that he’d already buzzed in, and then was eliminated for being the slowest.  Ultimately, Boogie was eliminated on a different question, but the failure of the buzzer system in those two rounds could potentially have affected the other rounds. (Update: Producers held a new HOH competition.) More significantly, I’d love to know what Julie Chen is looking at besides the actual game during these HOH competitions, because it sure as hell isn’t at whatever we’re looking at. Her coffee mug, perhaps?Finally, Julie Chen revealed to us the details of the coup d’etat twist, and the producers have managed to both fuck this up and make everyone with a functioning frontal lobe suspect that they’ll be rigging this new competition. That’s because only the person who wins the coup d’etat—by correctly guessing a phrase from a series of clues—will know what the power is. They’ll have to decide live during the eviction episode whether or not to nominate two brand-new people for eviction. In other words, the entire game is now irrelevant, from the HOH to the power of veto. The first clue was a sheep that was in the living room, and that started to freak out once the houseguests came in. Since a female sheep is known as a “ewe,” I’m guessing the phrase starts with “You,” and is one of Julie’s stock lines, such as “You have been eliminated from the Big Brother house” or “You are the new head of household.” Or, “You are right, I don’t pay attention as I host.” Ultimately, this whole twist is stupid, because without knowledge of the twist, the houseguests can’t really play the game fairly. How can you play a game when you don’t know the rules? It’s great to introduce something completely new to the game, but depriving everyone of knowledge of it prevents them from being able to play effectively. It’s like playing chess with someone who’s never played before and just telling them, “Oh, I’ll let you know if you win. In the meantime, just move your pieces around while I get drunk and think up some more ways to alienate our already disaffected audience.” Having introduced the most groundbreaking game element in Big Brother history since the Head of Household component was added, how is it that Big Brother 7 continues to be dreadfully boring? Oh, right: the producers, in their infinite wisdom, decided to not actually tell anyone in the house about it, nor will it be revealed until the live show, probably after a 12-minute interview with some woman Mike Boogie dry humped in college. Anyway, the inter-alliance fighting is growing, but it feels very familiar. Janelle and Marcellas had an alliance that neither one of them intended to keep; Marcellas told us, “If I win household, the buxom blonde is toast.” But when that buxom blonde had to nominate someone else for eviction, after Danielle saved herself with the veto, Marcellas gave a viscous little speech. “I want to walk to up to blonde bombshell and pull that brassy blonde hair by its black roots,” he said. “Then I want to rip out her black heart, and shove it down Will’s cold, stupid throat.” At least he’s taking his nomination well. Marcellas is pissed because, while flirting, Will convinced Janelle to protect everyone he’s allied with by nominating Marcellas. He and Boogie even showered together with the both Janelle and Erika, although their interest in the women is apparently just strategic. Those who suspected Erika and Boogie had a secret alliancelearned that, despite the “few random kisses” in the shower and in bed, Will said the two guys planned on “ripping their hearts out of their chests and squeezing the blood in the pocket of their cheap blouses before they can blink twice.” How nice. Between those comments, Marcellas’, and James’, this is apparently the summer of misogynistic speeches in the diary room. But the biggest sign that this season is on life support is the fact that we had a guest appearance by Big Brother 6 houseguest April during the veto competition. “It was really good to see Busto,” Howie said of his old nemesis. But all the producers had her do was eat some sushi, and the other three houseguests to return (Jack, Hardy, and Scott) did similarly lame tasks and then vanished. Janelle and April didn’t even care enough to scream at each other. Wake me up when it ends.

And now for a new feature called...


A dentist found the source of the toothache Patrick Lawler was complaining about on the roof of his mouth: a four-inch (10-centimeter) nail the construction worker had unknowingly embedded in his skull six days earlier.


1896: Bridget Driscoll, a 44-year-old mother of two, becomes the world's first automobile fatality when she steps in front of a car outside the Crystal Palace in London. At the coroner's inquest, Arthur Edsall states he had been driving at only 4 mph. The motorist also claims that when he saw the pedestrian, he rang his bell and shouted "Stand back!" For whatever reason, the coroner accepts Edsall's preposterous story. 1948: Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard is arrested for bad checks in San Luis Obispo, California. In court a fortnight later, Hubbard pays the $25 fine. 1980: Dingos snatch baby Azaria from a campground near Ayers Rock, Australia. Her mother, Lindy Chamberlain, is later convicted of murder and spends three years in prison, but the conviction is ultimately overturned. Apparently there have been a number of baby/dingo incidents over the years, the dingo not differentiating animals from humans. (The fact that if you rearrange the letters in LINDY CHAMBERLAIN you get CHILDREN BY ANIMAL is just a coincidence.) 1987: Rudolf Hess found hanged by an electrical cord at Spandau Prison, aged 93. He was incarcerated there for 40 years, 21 of those years as the solitary inmate. In 1941 Hess flew to Scotland with ideas of peace in his head, making Hitler very very upset. 1996: Belgian police discover the bodies of two eight-year-old children kidnapped for pedophilic purposes in the town of Jumet, a suburb of Charleroi. The children had starved while Marc Dutroux was jailed for theft, there being nobody to feed them. Along with the two is the body of Bernard Weinstein, one of the perpetrators of the kidnappings. In early September, two additional teenage bodies are discovered in a house owned by Marc Dutroux. The revelations send the entire Belgian nation into shock. 1998: Long-running comic strip Jerkcity begins. It was created by Rands using Microsoft's abandoned Comic Chat, a chat client featuring artwork by Jim Woodring, as a harness for the artwork. Slurping and drooling and hurrrr.


Slow RideAlright imma leave a story in this discription because this is where we came up with Scrambled Egg Productions. We were hungry and trying to think of a video so i decided to make some eggs so we could get our minds off our stomachs and concentrate on a video. well while i was cooking kevin was gunna go make a rough clip just for fun and he wanted me to edit it. so he rolled up a fake joint and he went put the camera on my computor desk and started acting like he was smoking and he ran around everywhere. after we ate i put it on the computor and he wanted me to make him teleport everywhere. so i did. then he wanted me to put on music and he decided he wanted "Funky Town" by Lipps Inc. We couldn't find it and he remembered an episode of family guy where "the evil monkey" wasleft alone and he rolled a joint while he was listining to "Slow Ride" by Foghat so he said he wanted that song. We had to find out who sung it and then it was easy to get ahold of. so i put on the song and said, "Dude, let's just make a music video for Slow Ride." and Kevin said, "Dude!" and then we filmed slow ride and decided we are going to eat scrambled eggs before every video we make. and so far we have kept up with that idea. Song "Slow Ride" by Foghat. Stoner A and editor is Danny. Stoner B and Joint roller is Kevin. Guy dancing is a clip from "The Chappelle Show". (NOTE: IN THE CREDITS PLEASE DO NOT TAKE OFFENCE TO "CRAZY BLACK GUY - DAVE CHAPPELLE" THATS JUST HOW ME AND MY FRIENDS JOKE AROUND. WE MAKE FUN OF EACH OTHERS RACE AND ARE NOT RACIST IN ANY WAY. I AM SORRY IF I OFFENDED ANYBODY BY PUTTING THIS.)"
Sexyback My version New video from my friend Ruben.



Get your diagnosis and your prognosis all at once.


C for Cock. "Wiv fevvers 'n' that Miss" (titters at the back of the class). D for dolphin. I think a lot of people get very upset about dolphins being kept in captivity (with erroneous values for the life expectancy of a captive dolphin frequently being bandied about). Plus it's a pretty picture - which always counts for something here. You'll often see a leaping dolphin (minus hoop) tattoed on the shoulder or breast of a dumpy teenager. Just to set the record straight, we're not fooled, you're still ugly. And then there are all those people who want to swim with dolphins. Why? Is it because horny dolphins like to rub their cetacean willies up against you? Or is it knowing that with a sure turn and quick flick of the tail they could batter the life out of you just for kicks? Personally I want to swim with sardines. Far safer and none of the slightly dodgy inter-species sex - bestiality is still frowned upon in polite circles is it not? And E for executioner. Standing by his block with axe in hand, wearing leather mask and apron. "Next!" Nrxt week F, G, H and I.


Bruno Kirby, a veteran character actor known for playing the best friend in two of Billy Crystal's biggest comedies, When Harry Met Sally and City Slickers, has died. He was 57. Kirby died Monday in Los Angeles from complications related to leukemia, his wife Lynn Sellers said in a statement Tuesday. He had been recently diagnosed with the disease. Born Bruno Giovanni Quidaciolu in 1949 in New York City, he was the son of actor Bruce Kirby. His early work included the 1971 film Young Graduates, as well as appearances on the television show "Room 222" and the made-for-TV movie "The Summer Without Boys." In 1974, he scored a role in The Godfather: Part II, which won several Academy Awards, including best picture. In the film, Kirby played young "Pete Clemenza," following Richard S. Castellano's role in the first installment. Over the next few years, Kirby made various TV appearances, including "Fame" and "Hill Street Blues," before landing the role of "2nd Lt. Steven Hauk" in Good Morning, Vietnam.
That was followed two years later by the romantic comedy When Harry Met Sally, in which Kirby played Crystal's best friend. In 1991, Kirby once again appeared as Crystal's cheery friend in City Slickers, - along for a mid-life adventure driving cattle on a dude ranch. He also appeared in 1997's Donnie Brasco, and recently in an episode of the HBO hit series "Entourage." When I found out he died last night I was bummed. My wife Jen said I was acting like he was one of my best friends. I said he was one of my favorite supporting actors and Jen said "All the years I've known you I never heard you once mention his name." Even though Good Morning, Vietman and Donnie Brasco are two of my favorite movies of all time. 

Speaking of movies...


X-Men 4 Versus The Avengers: Don't look for Storm, Magneto or the other seniormutants — 'cept for maybe Wolverine — in the sequel. The next one's all about Iceman, Kitty Pryde and the other tykes. Is that enough firepower to take on The Avengers, whose membership includes (at least in the comics) Iron Man, The Hulk, Luke Cage, Captain America, Spider-Man and … Wolverine? That is one hard-working X-er.

Idiocracy: Mike Judge's Office Space follow-up might be sent straight to DVD. What!? Did the studio not get the TPS reports? The suits need to be beaten with red Swingline staplers. 

DOA:Dead Or Alive: Martial arts and lingerie, together at last!

Ace Ventura 3: Ace will hand over butt-talking duties to his son in the sequel. Another Dumb and Dumberer? Not a bad idea considering Carrey's last two big-budget projects have fallen apart before a frame was shot.

 Apocalypto: The last time Disney dropped a controversial movie — that would be Fahrenheit 9/11 — it went on to make $120 million. So of course it'll take more than a drunken tirade to kick Mel to the curb.

Well, there we go, another Thursday gone by. Don't forget to check out my webshots page at PeverettPhileatwebshots where I posted a ton of pictures from a party I took Logan to last weekend. Also, remember, spread the word and not the turd. I will leave you with a random pic. Until next week...'nuff said.

Click for a random picture!


Thursday, August 10, 2006

Back To School

No, not me: Logan. Today Logan went back to school, going to first grade. Life comes at you fast. Not only that, but yesterday was my little sister Leila's 27 birthday. Sheez. Here is some wonderful news. Doctors in Utah were able to successfully separate those conjoined twins. But sadly in Connecticut they were unable to successfully separate Joe Lieberman from President Bush. Senator Joe Lieberman lost his own parties nomination yesterday. He was beaten by new comer Ned Lamont. Or you know him as "Who?” Wasn’t that Fred Sanford’s son? And to his credit, he was just as dull in defeat as he would have been in victory. Give you an idea how bad Lieberman got beaten, even Mel Gibson was feeling sorry for him. Iran announced today that it cloned a sheep. They plan to use the sheep to pull the wool over the U.N.’s eyes. President Bush ruled out sending troops to Lebanon. Know what that means, they don't have oil. 75 hours of video is hitting the internet of O.J. Simpson's day-to-day life. During one radio interview O.J. calls Oprah dishonest...he's done it now...killing two people is one thing, but taking Oprah's name in vain, you're a dead man! Paris Hilton is now claiming she will remain celibate for 365 days. Oh, not in a row…over the course of her lifetime. NBC is considering adding another hour to the today show. Making it now 17 hours long. It will just go to day and then right into tonight. Floyd Landis said the reason he failed the drug test was that he accidentally ingested testosterone from another source. So he ate Barry Bonds. President Bush is currently reading a book about President Lincoln – or as he calls him, "the guy on the pennies”. Reuben Stoddard and Kevin Fedderline are going to record a duet. I believe they’re called "Ebony and Hillbilly”.

And now, for my soap box: Let the resounding defeat of Senator Joe Lieberman send a cold shiver down the spine of every Democrat who supported the invasion of Iraq and who continues to support, in any way, this senseless, immoral, unwinnable war. Make no mistake about it: We, the majority of Americans, want this war ended -- and we will actively work to defeat each and every one of you who does not support an immediate end to this war. Nearly every Democrat set to run for president in 2008 is responsible for this war. They voted for it or they supported it. That single, stupid decision has cost us 2,592 American lives and tens of thousands of Iraqi lives. Lieberman and Company made a colossal mistake -- and we are going to make sure they pay for that mistake. Payback time started last night. I realize that there are those like Kerry and Edwards who have now changed their position and are strongly anti-war. Perhaps that switch will be enough for some to support them. For others, like me -- while I'm glad they've seen the light -- their massive error in judgment is, sadly, proof that they are not fit for the job. They sided with Bush, and for that, they may never enter the promised land. To Hillary, our first best hope for a woman to become president, I cannot for the life of me figure out why you continue to support Bush and his war. I'm sure someone has advised you that a woman can't be elected unless she proves she can kick ass just as crazy as any man. I'm here to tell you that you will never make it through the Democratic primaries unless you start now by strongly opposing the war. It is your only hope. You and Joe have been Bush's biggest Democratic supporters of the war. Last night's voter revolt took place just a few miles from your home in Chappaqua. Did you hear the noise? Can you read the writing on the wall? To every Democratic Senator and Congressman who continues to back Bush's War, allow me to inform you that your days in elective office are now numbered. Myself and tens of millions of citizens are going to work hard to actively remove you from any position of power. If you don't believe us, give Joe a call. P.S. Republicans -- sorry to leave you out of this letter. It's just that our side has a little housecleaning to do. We'll take care of you this November.


The official Doctor Who website today officially announced that the second series has been picked up in America by the Sci Fi Channel. Says the release, "The SCI FI Channel and BBC Worldwide Americas have confirmed that Doctor Who will return to SCI FI in September 2006. The run will kick off with a two-hour premiere package that will include David Tennant's debut, The Christmas Invasion. Chris Regina, Vice President of Programming, SCI FI Channel, said 'Our audience has clearly embraced 'Doctor Who' and it has delivered a significant increase in viewers in the time period. We are looking forward to keeping the momentum going with David Tennant as the new Doctor.' Executive Producer and Lead Writer Russell T Davies says, 'We were delighted by the first season's success in the US, and can promise new thrills, new laughs, new heartbreak, and some terrifying new aliens in Season Two.'" Though I'd heard in recent days that there was significant confusion over whether or not "The Christmas Invasion" would be broadcast as a holiday special or as part of the actual run, it now appears that it will be the item that fills part of the two-hour slot on Friday 29 September, which is the date that is listed on the Sci Fi Channel website schedule. There is no word, however, as to whether it will be padded with other material to fill the two hour slot, or if it will be edited to share the two hour block with the first regular episode of the season, "New Earth". The BBC announcement does not list a date; the 29 September date is, however, the current planned launch date both according to our source as well as the Sci Fi "schedulebot". There has been no detail posted on Sci Fi's website, but of course, the official BBC site was also where the first season's broadcast was announced.


Diane Henry was voted out of the Big Brother 7 house by a vote of 7 to 1. She left because everyone promised their votes to Erika before Mike Boogie won the competition, and right before she left the house, Diane chastised them, saying, “It’s an all-star show; you guys should know better.” Sitting with Julie Chen, Diane said she hopes Janelle pays for orchestrating her exit. “I want that karma boomerang to come around and take Janelle out of the game, preferably next week,” she said. Janelle’s former ally James seemed to agree; he’s still pissed at her, and seemed to be aligning himself with Danielle. The HOH competition began on the live show but ended a few hours later, and involved the houseguests sitting atop a spider’s web made of rope. Oh, the creativity. The first five people to drop off it, however, had a chance at selecting an “egg,” some of which contained prizes. Julie Chen explained that all competitions this week will feature “difficult choices between power and temptation.” And severe boredom for viewers. But what was genuinely interesting was a new twist Julie teased to us. Julie said that the coup d’etat “twist will enable one person to overthrow the HOH at a moment’s notice.” Julie suggested this will be introduced next Thursday, so this week’s HOH may be safe. Still, it’s about time; where has this been the past month? Well, that was a stupid plan. Danielle nominated Janelle and James with the hopes that he’d win the power of veto and prevent Janelle from escaping eviction. Instead, the opposite happened, and Janelle won, saving herself. Even better, Janelle won by accepting various forms of punishment for the house. In a game that involved earning and spending points for various rewards and punishments, Janelle took a number of punishments, including forcing the entire house to sleep on cots and have no hot water for an entire week. That went over wondefully, as did her decision to put the four non-competing houseguests on slop for a week (although she apparently didn’t accept this punishment, but rather just lied to others and told them she did). Danielle opted for some punishments, trying to ensure that Janelle wouldn’t win the veto; she accepted 24 hours in solitary confinement with just a camp toilet and quasi-oatmeal to eat. Worse, she turned down one of the rewards offered, which was a phone call home. “I’m completely alone,” Danielle said once she realized that her allies hadn’t, surprise surprise, taken any punishments for themselves, but had in fact taken rewards. “I’m so pissed off.” Meanwhile, the other veto players raked in prizes; Boogie walked away with a trip and a plasma TV, while Will won $5,000. Even more incredibly, they managed to successfully blame the prizewinning on Marcellas, once again deflecting attention from themselves. Janelle came close to being the player we remember from Big Brother 7, noting that James’ nomination “doesn’t make sense.” She correctly suggested that he was used as a pawn to get rid of her, but Kaysar (oh, Kaysar!) insisted that James would “never take that deal in a million years.” Alas, he did, and as a result of Janelle’s winning the veto, Danielle put Kaysar up for eviction. He’ll most likely go home on Thursday, his birthday. Better now than after he has four more weeks to make us realize what a terrible player he actually is. In other news, we were treated to a segment with Will and Howie shaving themselves in the yard, and Will did everything in his power to assert his masculinity while he removed all of his body hair, accusing Howie of being a “fruitcake” for offering to help him shave. But the most disturbing part was when Chicken George, ever the sad, sad follower, said he “might as well” shave, too. We did not see this take place, thankfully, but instead were treated to one of the most disturbing images ever filmed: a shirtless George lying face up in front of Howie, saying, “Take it all off.” The editors cut away then, giving all of us just enough time to not hurl a brick through our television screens to make it stop. CBS has announced that, as part of Big Brother 7’s summer of crazy twists and unbelievable turns, former houseguests will return and participate in the three challenges this week. Ooh. Specifically, the as-yet-unknown houseguests will (mild spoilers ahead) “will be incorporated into the HOH competition” next Thursday, and it “will require this season’s All Stars to recall specific clues they have received from the former Houseguests throughout the week in order to be crowned this week’s HOH.” Others “will return to serve as judges during this week’s Food Competition on Sunday” and finally, “former Houseguests [will] also [be] playing a role in the all important Veto Competition on Tuesday.” As a hint of what’s to come, the HouseGuests began seeing ghostly images of former HouseGuests in the windows and mirrors of the house” last night, JAM! Showbiz reports. Tonight’s show will also feature Julie Chen introducing the coup d’etat twist.

SEARCH ENGINE 100 most commonly mispronounced words. You're telling me it's not Old Timer's Disease? Thanks to my friend Ron for telling me about this website. Everyone should read this site. Is Garfield really dead?


ABC announced that production begins Aug. 7 in Hawaii on the upcoming third season of its hit SF series Lost, which returns on Oct. 4 and will air Wednesdays at 9 p.m. ET/PT. ABC also offered a new synopsis of what to expect: Jack (Matthew Fox), Kate (Evangeline Lilly) and Sawyer(Josh Holloway) open the season in captivity as prisoners of the Others. Just who these Others are and what they want are primary questions season three will explore. Michael Emerson joins the regular cast in his ongoing role as Henry Gale, leader of the Others. Romance looms on the horizon as Jack's interests veer toward a mysterious new woman, whose motives may be questionable. Sun (Yunjin Kim) and Jin (Daniel Dae Kim) will continue to celebrate their pregnancy, but is the child really Jin's? Locke (Terry O'Quinn) and Sayid (Naveen Andrews) will band together with some of the other survivors and journey across the island in an attempt to free Jack, Kate and Sawyer. Charlie (Dominic Monaghan) will attempt to return into the good graces of Claire (Emilie de Ravin) and her baby, Aaron, but can he be trusted to stay clean and sober? The fates of Locke, Desmond (Henry Ian Cusick) and Mr. Eko (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) in the aftermath of the implosion of the hatch are answered. Will Penny Widmore find the island and her long-lost love, Desmond, and can the survivors find a way to interact with the outside world? Meanwhile, Variety reported that Kiele Sanchez will join the cast as a woman named Nikki, who is possibly a love interest for a new character played by Rodrigo Santoro. In addition, Elizabeth Mitchell joins the cast as Juliet.


B for beaver. A large aquatic rodent with a reputation for hard work. Just the thing to inspire children, but why the snickering at the back there? Next week, C, D and E.


1628: To assist in the war with Poland, Swedish King Gustavus Adolphus builds a magnificent warship, the Vasa, with 64 bronze cannon on two tiers. But on its maiden voyage, the lower gunports are accidentally left open, and the ship immediately sinks to the bottom of Stockholm harbor. The ship remains submerged until it is raised in 1961 to become a tourist attraction. 1966: Last words of James French, sent to the Electric Chair by the state of Oklahoma: "How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? FRENCH FRIES." 1969: Leno and Rosemary LaBianca are brutally murdered in their Los Feliz, California home by followers of Charles Manson. They take some of their victims' blood and smear HEALTER SKELTER on the refrigerator door. 1972: Paul McCartney and his wife Linda are arrested in Sweden after postal officials intercept a parcel of hashish addressed to their band, Wings. 1989: Disgruntled postal worker John Merlin Taylor blows his wife's brains out with a .22 Ruger, then drives to his job at the Orange Glen post office in Escondido, California. There he kills two coworkers on the back loading dock, then wounds another inside before blowing his own brains out. 1996: Heated by the sun, power lines begin to sag in Oregon. Somehow this triggers a series of failures which cascades throughout the Western states. Four million people lose electrical service in Oregon, Washington, California, Nevada, Arizona, Utah, Montana, and Texas.


Q: How can you tell if a man is well-hung? A: When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why is it good for young boys to read Playboy and Penthouse? A. It improves hand-eye coordination.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: One hundred people who don't do dick.

Q: What is the definition of the perfect wife? A: A rich, mute, nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store.


LOST A-Team If you needhelp and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the Lost A-Team!
WDW College Program Innoventions Fun Here we are having a good old time in the Innoventions breakroom. Todd, Val, Sasha, Steve and I (Vanessa) and some other cast members.
WDW College Program Innoventions Fun 2 Breakroom fun @ Innoventions. har har har *eyes val*
Innoventions Breakroom fun part 3! you know the drill..... 
The Grudge 2: Watch Buffy — yes, Sarah Michelle Gellar will always be Buffy to me — die in the trailer. I'm guessing Amber Tamblyn is gonna kick the bucket, too. I mean, when your dying sis says, "Don't go in the house with the crazy kabuki kid inside" and you immediately walk right through the front door …
Borat: Make click on trailer for make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan!
Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny:  It's a fine line between brilliant and retarded, and I'm not really sure which side the trailer falls on. On the one hand, it's got Jack Black and Kyle Gass dressed up as Sasquatch for a wrestling match in a field of giant mushrooms. On the other — wait. That's just rad.
School of Scoundrels: In the trailer, Billy Bob teaches Napoleon Dynamite how to score. Hmm — if he can do that, let's get him working on the whole Mideast peace thing.
Transformers: You know what's pretty awesome? Watching freaked-out actors nearly getting impaled by evil robots.
The Amateurs: The trailer proves what I've known all along: Nothing brings a community together like amateur pornography.
Lethal Weapon 5: Will Mel do the sequel to distract everyone from hating him? Maybe they could work his drunken tirade into the plot. Like, his character could have a catchy nickname: Sugar Riggs.

Message Board: Apparently Mandy Moore wants to string together a movie script using fan posts on her website. So, there'll be a character named SuP3RMandyFan_84, who's got dialogue like "OMG!!! I cant belive she dmped Zach LOL!!!"

Snakes On A Plane: Snakes on a Babe. Sigh.

Man Of The Year: The not-exactly-outrageously-funny imagines what life would be like if a Jon Stewart type, played by Robin Williams, were to run for prez and win. Maybe they should have cast, I don't know, maybe JON FREAKING STEWART?

The Dukes of Hazzard: the Beginning: Attention, Creepy MySpace Stalkers. The new, disturbingly skinny, straight-to-DVD Daisy Duke wants to be your friend!

Well, that's it for another week. Don't forget to check out my webshots page at I hope to put up pictures from logan's first day of school tonight or tomorrow. I will leave you with a random puicture, remember to spread the word and not the turd.

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Thursday, August 3, 2006

Steroids To Heaven

Hello, and welcome to the Phile, I am your host...Barry Bonds. LOL. Good news: I didn't pass out this week. Last week my doctor put me on a steroid pack for six days, which probably pushed me over the 200 pound mark. I am still waiting to see what is going with me, if I am diabetic, if so what kind and will I become a bigot or gay? Or even a gay bigot? Well, if you think I have health problems, Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical condition. He still thinks communism was a good idea until he was being rushed to the hospital in a ’55 Oldsmobile. Israel continues its strike on Hezbollah. Tomorrow they are going to start attacking Mel Gibson’s house. A member of "The View” said they will not see anymore of Mel’s movies. Barbara Walters said that. Mel Gibson responded by saying, "There goes one $3.00 senior discount matinee ticket.” As you may have heard, Mel Gibson was arrested in Malibu on a DUI. I don’t know what he was drinking but I think you can rule out Manischewitz. The sheriff said that Mel’s blood alcohol was .12. Give you an idea how high that is, half a point higher and he would officially be a Kennedy. They said on the news that if he is convicted he could face up to 14 days in the "Thunderdome”. Police said that they found a bottle of tequila in Mel’s Lexus. So let’s some up what happened here; Mel Gibson, who grew up in Australia, was drinking alcohol from Mexico in his Japanese car while yelling about the Jews in Israel. You know where he was coming from? A Thai restaurant. Welcome to America. A lab report this week on Floyd Landis found that he had too much testosterone in his body during the Tour de France. In his defense everyone seems to have too much testosterone when hanging out with a bunch of Frenchmen. Hey, maybe that's my problem, too much testosterone. Nahhhh. "The artist formerly known as Prince” is getting divorced. He was seen removing his belongings from the house formerly known as his. North Korea is going to test a long range ballistic missile and if this works they’re next going to try indoor plumbing. The DEA is warning teachers and parents to be aware of marijuana in the form of gum. They’re putting marijuana in gum now. In fact, you know how you can tell if your gum has marijuana in it? If you think the Bazooka Joe cartoon is really, really funny. News from Orlando: It’s now illegal to feed the homeless in Orlando, Florida. Have you seen the fat people walking around Disneyworld? We should make illegal to feed them. So, it's been so hot all over the Unites States. How hot has it been? It was so hot today Floyd Landis tested positive for Snapple. It was so hot a Guest at Disney was wearing an oscillating turban. It was so hot at "The View” that their new cast member is Ted Williams. It was so hot today I saw a funeral procession pull into a Dairy Queen. It was so hot today I saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner. It was so hot Bill Clinton got a slurpee and then went to 7/11. And finally, Saddam Hussein said at his trial that he wants to be shot instead of hanged. If he was in the U.S. there would be a third option – go to Florida and golf.


Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They were not able to get a volunteer until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with
little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.


Okay, let's review the past week of Big Brother. Janelle has won Head of Household for the second time on Big Brother 7. She won the HOH competition—and kept the season six alliance in control for a fourth straight week—shortly after Jase was voted out of the house unanimously. Right before he left, Jase joked about George’s t-shirt, saying, “Crazy people make poor decisions, like wearing a Mr. Fart shirt on national television.” But then he choked up and said, “I hate the way I’m leaving this house. It kills me inside.” He said the same thing to Julie Chen, insisting that he’d be a better player on Survivor, where of course no one ever is surprised when they’re voted out. Tonight’s time-wasting family segment was spent on Dr. Will and his brother, but also featured a cameo by everyone’s favorite electronic toothbrush-wielding psychopathic leech. Yes, Shannon was interviewed, although she was barely recognizable. She changed her name from Shannon Dragoo to a much more porn star-sounding name, Shannon Michelle, which is, coincidentally, how she was credited on the “Playboy: Girls of Reality TV” video. Anyway, the only thing of substance Shannon said was, “Will and I have have not spoken in a couple of years, and it’s unfortunate.” I’m sure he thinks so, too. Speaking of Will, he told the houseguests that he regretted his statements at the veto ceremony, saying he should have said “severely disliked” or “strong disdain” instead of “hate.” Then, on live TV, he plugged his medical practice’s name, and naturally Julie Chen had no idea what was happening, although even Chicken George did (“Oh, here we go,” he said). The HOH competition that followed forced the houseguests who correctly answered questions to eliminate one other player. More significantly, as Julie Chen said, it “will kick off a week’s worth of competitions where you may be single-handedly responsible for the fate of your housemates.” Perhaps some producers have awakened from their naps and decided to do something more creative than changing the punishment food from peanut butter to oatmeal. Or not. Julie also promised that on Tuesday, we’d find out the answer to this scintillating question: “How will America’s wake-up calls affect the houseguests as they compete for the Power of Veto?” Yes, on Friday night, the houseguests will be awakened periodically with voice mail messages left by us; presently, CBS is asking how often we want to wake them up. This is of no help to me; what I need is someone to call me during the show and wake me up, especially if it continues to focus on such tragically lame events in the house. It’s like we’ve regressed back to season one. I’ve been desperate for this season of Big Brother to get interesting, and I think I got my wish the other night. Janelle wanted Boogie or Will to win the veto so she could get rid of a floater. “I don’t think anyone else is seeing the big picture here. … they have voting power and they’re actually much better players than Chill Town,” Janelle said of the floaters. James insisted they “have to go after the people we know are coming after us,” referring to Chill Town. Mike Boogie won the veto competition, which came after a night of sleep deprivation thanks to wake-up calls played at high volume every 15 minutes, driving the houseguests crazy. (“I’m about to throw myself over this balcony,” Marcellas said.) Mike Boogie celebrated his win by being the dumbass that he is, kicking glass goggles and earning himself a cut that required 10 stitches. Naturally, he planned to remove himself as a nominee for eviction, and thus Janelle had to decide whether to nominate Dr. Will (and make her alliance and the rest of the house happy) or to go with her strategy of attacking floaters. When Janelle told him and the other BB6ers that she planned to nominate Diane, James reminded her that he nominated his buddy Jase last week. “You just said you’re doing what’s best for you, not the team. … I took the team into consideration, went against what was best for me last week, and now you have fucked me. You lied to my face, Janie. You have no idea what you’re doing,” he said. Later, to Danielle, James signaled that he’s done with his season six group. “I want to start the revolution. When I get HOH next week, I’m gonna backdoor that bitch,” James told Danielle. Janelle may have been right about the floaters presenting a bigger threat. However, she now she has everyone pissed off at her: members of her own alliance and the floaters. With only Boogie and Will as allies, she doesn’t have much of a shield, as the members of Chill Town are about as reliable as a boat made of Kleenex. More on Big Brother below.


Dewey  Dewey decides the only thing this party is missing is a little explosives. Shot in Deweyvision at the Von Zeller studios in sunny Mammoth City, California. (This was sent to me from one of my best friends Ron, that is brother made.)

Big Brother 7 Big Brother 7 live feeds. Brokeback Big Brother 7 Brokeback Big Brother 7. jack shack big brother 7 jack shack big brother 7. Big Brother 7 Competition 7/30/06 Big Brother 7 Competition 7/30/06.

Sexy Carwash Originally appearing in LIVE 42 NEWS II, the clip has been made into a surprise commercial...a sexy carwash commercial.
Star Wars on a Banjo Yee haw, Luke!
And now, for a new feature called...

I recognise that this does not match the stated aims of this alphabet (you wouldn't have seen "A for abortion" on many mid C20th classroom walls), but it was too engaging a suggestion to pass up. My sympathy goes out to anyone who has had to make the decision to have an abortion. Thankfully the backstreet methods of a coathanger, or a knitting needle, or a hot bath and gin are no longer necessary in many countries. Next week, the letter B.

SEARCH ENGINE Music video by Internet celebrities promoting net neutrality. And they didn't call me, those bastards! Come here and pick a free card to send to an anonymous US soldier serving overseas.


BRITAIN'S biggest theme park has called off the country's first National Muslim Fun Day because of lack of interest, the park said. Alton Towers in central England was to open on September 17 for Muslims - with halal food, a strict dress code and prayer areas. Music, gambling and alcohol were to be banned for the day and theme park rides such as Ripsaw, Corkscrew and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory all segregated by gender. But the park said the event's organisers, Islamic Leisure, who rented the park for the day and were marketing the event, had called it off due to "insufficient ticket sales". A park spokeswoman said Islamic Leisure would refund those who bought tickets. Organisers had hoped to fill a niche for Britain's 1.7 million Muslims, some of whom may be uncomfortable with mainstream entertainment. But the fun day had caused some consternation: a non-Muslim couple scheduled to hold their wedding at the park's hotel complained to newspapers that event organisers told them the bride and female guests would have to cover up. The park promised the party would be exempt from the rules. A park spokeswoman said the wedding would take place as planned.


1950: The U.S. Army knowingly kills hundreds of civilian refugees when Maj. General Hobart R. Gay gives the order to demolish the bridge, including refugees, over the Naktong River at Waegwan, Korea. 1963: Almost a year after the world barely averted World War III during the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Hotline between the Pentagon and the Kremlin goes live. The system consists of two teletype machines, with a full-time communications link routed through London, Copenhagen, Stockholm, and Helsinki. Not to be confused with the Batphone. 1966: Comedian and social critic Lenny Bruce dies of a morphine overdose in his Hollywood Hills home, two years after his original obituary was published in The Realist. At the time of his death, Bruce was being maliciously harassed by police and districts attorney in various states for his groundbreaking standup performances, causing great difficulty in finding venues at which to perform. 1996: An angry God makes "Macarena" by Los Del Rio #1 on the pop charts. The accompanying dancing disease afflicts millions before final eradication. 
The Dark Knight: Heath Ledger is the Joker. By law, I'm required to come up with at least one Brokeback Mountain reference. How about the Broker? Nah, that's stupid. Jokeback Mountain? Hmm … this is not going to be easy.
The Departed: Remember when Leo was just a cute little kid on Growing Pains? In the trailer for Scorsese's next crime flick, he looks closer to De Niro in Taxi Driver.
Die Hard Or Live Free: Why will McClane have a son played by the Mac commercial guy? It's a pathetic attempt to win over Gen-Y kids. The new title is yet another nail in the coffin. Somehow I don't think this is going to inspire the same uproar as trying to rename Snakes on a Plane.
Benighted: Now here's a title change that makes sense. The guy who directed Narnia is doing a big-budget werewolf movie based on a book whose original title was Bareback. Someone get Heath Ledger on the phone!
Pet Sematary remake: There is no way in hell George Clooney is going to star in a remake of Pet Sematary. Although I hear he may cameo as the cat that's brought back from the dead.
Rambo 4: Rambo's gonna be a shadow of his badass self, working at a Bangkok monastery and selling scrap metal for a living. I guess one night in Bangkok really does make a hard man humble.

Iron Man: Jon Favreau rules. He was the only funny thing about The Break-Up, and now he's gonnacast Terrence Howard as War Machine, the guy who steps in to help Iron Man bust baddies when he's too hung over to get out of bed.

Babel: What do Brad Pitt, Moroccan slums, Cate Blanchett and wild Japanese teens have in common? They're all in this confusing trailer. Notice that this column has been 100 percent Mel Gibson–free. Until just now. D'oh!

And now for the review of The Ant Bully. A bullied kid becomes the bully himself, stomping on an ant colony. The wizard ant — there's always a wizard ant blowing your good time, you know? — shrinks the kid to ant size. Then the queen of the ants makes the kid live with them and learn their ways, cooperating and thinking like an ant. Then the kind has to save them all. You've mostly seen it before. It was called Antz. Then it was called A Bug's Life. What is it about? How an evil violent capitalist learns the joys of communal living, conformity and socialism. Either that or a metaphor for George W. Bush being put on trial for war crimes against Iraq. Talking. So much talking. No one trusts the beauty of the animated image any more. They have to fill every single second with non-stop yapping and semi-clever lines. And the reason no one trusts the beauty of the animated image anymore? Because everyone abandoned soft 2D in favor of this cold, stupid, harsh, ugly 3D digital stuff. There. That's off my chest. Anyway, I didn't care about the characters, and almost fell asleep half way through. From 1 to 10, I give it a five. Logan on the other hand loved it. His favorite part was "when the bees sting the guy when they were fighting the guy [pest control man]."

Well, that's it for another Phile. Remember to check my Webshots pages at . I'll be back next Thursday, remember, spread the word and not the turd.

Click for a random picture!